You Eat McDonald’s. Every Day.

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Just fuckin’ eat me.

You eat McDonald’s.  Every single day.

I bet you didn’t realize it, but it’s true, I promise you.  Just today you ate a McRib for breakfast.  And the McRib isn’t even in season!  Mmm…rib season.

Today, within ten minutes of getting up, making some coffee…

(Oh, no!  Caffeine!  You’re Satan, caffeine!  We should all just drink green tea instead and then listen to our Eckhart Tolle tapes. Oh wait, that’s not Eckhart Tolle, that’s the computerized Apple Talk voice telling me to eat a McRib.  They sound the same.  Eckhart Tolle is the reason I ate a McRib!)

…anyway.  Coffee.  Yeah, I made some.  Then I poured it in a funny souvenir coffee cup that my brother brought back from Cabo San Lucas.  It has a joke on it that some overly P.C. shithead would be offended by, but really, it’s not remotely offensive.

So I’m drinking coffee out of this strange cup and I sit down at the computer to see what’s going on in the world.  Some sports news, some news news, some Facebook.  Checked out Rob Delaney being mildly amusing on Twitter.  You know, the whole nine.

Good coffee.  What’s happening on Facebook?  Oh, some people are posting pictures of malnourished animals.  There’s a nice start.  Everyone has their equal signs (And they say the military gets a lot done before breakfast).  And then within the first 25 or so posts, there are two food related posts.  One telling you how you should never eat rice because you’ll surely die a miserable death – not to mention being one of those ignorant assholes who doesn’t know what foods not to eat.  Duh.  The other listed the various kinds of milk – only one was actually milk, mind you.  The others were just the juices squeezed from various nuts and fruits.

But shit.  I read them and now I can’t ever eat rice or drink milk again.  Even if it’s organic, apparently.  Because these foods are lethal killers and the only people who eat them are the poor, the ignorant, and, like, foreigners.  Not those of us who have a fully functioning high speed internet connection.  We know that the only way to buy bananas is brown and rotten in a paper bag (scratch that – my OWN reusable cloth bag) at Whole Foods.

Nevermind that a huge part the world eats rice all the time.  Those people are all dead.  They’re just far enough away that they still seem alive to us, even though they’re dead.  The way that stars are.  You know, up in the sky.  All dead.  But we still think they’re alive because their light travels so far.  It’s romantic when you think about it.  Like vampires.  Maybe this is what Twilight is about.

Back to the issue at hand.

I want to extend a super-huge, totally non-sarcastic, extremely great and sincere congratulations to all of you who have stopped eating rice.  You are my heroes.  Both individually and collectively.  You have made the world a better place all by yourselves.  You’re going to probably extend your life by two extra days.  Unfortunately, you can’t cash them in when you’re 22 or 30 (or whatever age is your favorite).  You can only tack them on to the end of your life when you’re breathing weakly in hospice care and pissing into a bag.  But the hell with it, those two days could be your best ever.

And I won’t get those two days, because I eat rice.  And I drink milk.  Fuck!  Four days.  You’ve got me beat by four piss-sack tired-breath hospice bed days!

There’s just one thing, food Jesus.

You eat McDonald’s.

Whoa, whoa!  Settle down.  Take a breath.  Don’t make me repost that article about how stress is worse for you than GMOs.

It’s true.  You eat McDonald’s.

You had a McRib this morning while you watched the Kardashians on DVR.  I actually saw you eat TWO Big Macs last night during American Idol and reruns of The Jersey Shore.  Fries and a shake during Honey Boo Boo.

What are you doing to yourself?  Are you depressed?

Remember last week when you ordered that McChicken?  No, not the new “healthy” grilled one.  The Value Menu one.  Is it coming back to you?  It was while you were reading US Weekly.  And later you had a double cheeseburger while reading The Secret.  Two double cheeseburgers!  I forgot about that Joel Osteen lecture you watched.

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Females luv when I’m disgusting ’bout dey vagina!

And there was the other night at the club when you ate a whole 20-piece Chicken McNuggets followed by those weird Fish McBites things.  Are those even food?  You know.  It was when you were mouthing the lyrics to that Lil Wayne verse.  The one where he says “pop that pussy like a zit”.  You washed it down with a Super Size Coke while dancing to Ke$ha and then two hours of house music.  Thank goodness you did all that cocaine, or who knows when you would’ve stopped eating McDonald’s.  Good thing you have that prescription for Xanax so you could come down.  Prescription drugs are good for you.

Don’t forget about the two sausage, egg, and cheese McGriddles you ate while having that heated discussion with your friends over whether Silver Linings Playbook should win the Oscar or Les Miserables.  I mean, holy shit!!  You watch the Twilight movies.  On purpose.

What about those three Angus Deluxe Snack Wraps you ate while you were busy reading articles about chemtrails, and how we never killed Bin Laden, and how “positive thinking” can change the physical world around you?  Four snack wraps?  Yeah, maybe it was four.

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You can destroy chemtrails with positive thinking. Duh. It’s all on the quantum level.

Is it all coming back to you?  All that fast food?

I can’t believe you polluted your body like that.  After all, your body is a temple!  And it’s the only one you get.  YOLO!  Remember?  You only live once!  Unless you’re religious.  Then you live twice when you go to heaven.  Because that’s what people told you happens when you die.  Even though they, nor you, nor anyone else can even begin to describe what that would be like, much less how it makes sense, much less how it would even be enjoyable – not to mention the fact that of course no one actually knows anything about it.

But god dammit…it TASTES good.  Eat it.  Really, eat it.  It tastes just like a McFlurry.  You remember McFlurries.  You ate one last year when you were effectively stopping Kony by buying a lunchbox and reposting that Christian Evangelist video to encourage US military action in an oil rich African nation.  Remember?  It was for the kids.  McFlurries for the kids.

I know it’s hard, but you need to just go ahead and admit that you eat McDonald’s.  Every day.

You ingest genuine shit through your eyes and ears every day…

…but your mouth and stomach are too good for rice?

Sure, that makes sense.

Let’s suck up the fattiest, most artery clogging mental food we can find.  Let’s do it every day.  Let’s do it because it tastes good.  Right?

Isn’t that all that matters?  You watch Honey Boo Boo because it’s entertaining.

And you read The Secret and listen to Joel Osteen because they’re “spiritual” and “inspiring”.  It doesn’t matter that they’re total bullshit and those people are becoming rich beyond belief because your dumbass is too ignorant to differentiate between things that taste good and things that are good.

You believe conspiracies because they “make sense” on YouTube, and surely it can’t be you that’s fucked up.  It’s got to be the world around you.  The government is poisoning our air with mind control smoke!

And you think an adult version of High School Musical deserves Best Picture because it made you smile.  Life of Pi convinced you that there’s a god, just like it said it would.  Oh no, wait.  Life of Pi reconfirmed the existence of god for you, since of course you couldn’t think your way out of that one.  Even though the point of the movie was, “I’m going to convince you that god actually exists…because the story of god sounds better than the story of no god, even though I admit to making up the entire story.”  THAT made sense to you!  And Les Mis.  Oh gosh.  The costumes.  Nevermind that no one who wasn’t already familiar with the musical could possibly think that was even an acceptable movie.  But you already liked how that McMuffin tasted on stage, so you ate it again in the theater.

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Is that fast food? Get it away!

Now, I may sound judgmental, and I accept this fully.  You are free to judge me as well.  I accept that.  I accept my vices and I accept my virtues.

What I don’t accept is continued holier than thou nonsense.

We are feeding our minds complete fatty waste and expecting that we’re somehow more informed or enlightened.  How does this work?  How can you even pretend with a straight face to know anything about anything when you are a mental glutton, gorging on whatever trash based mind-food is easily accessible in front of you.

Everyone is supposed to take your advice?

While the supply of information has increased dramatically, the quality of the information has decreased the same.  This goes for entertainment, art, etc.

And you, yes you, are part of it.

Set aside the exploding obesity epidemic in our country, because we know you have the perfect diet.

Let’s consider the stupidity epidemic.  You ingest every little bit of trash information and entertainment available to you that you think tastes good.

Because “god” forbid you should learn which things your eyes and ears should be excluding from your diet.

Now, of course, I’m not saying don’t ever “ingest” this stuff.  We all do it.  Just stop being such a shithead about it.  That’s all.

Here.  Have a McNugget.  It won’t kill you.

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