It’s been a while. Your Facebook page has evolved. So has how you use it. And by “evolve” I mean, gotten way, way worse.
It’s to the point where the original What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA) doesn’t come close to accounting for all of the inane shit you are (or maybe only I am?) forced to wade through on a daily basis. So without further delay…
Last time I wrote about an epidemic level of narcissism. I doubt much about that has changed. It’s certainly as real and as omnipresent as ever. But here’s the good news – and all of you who are obsessed with your self-help books and your replacement churches will love this – it’s totally not (all) your fault! I know how much you need to hear that everything you do is wonderful…and it, like, soooooo is. Don’t change a thing. If other people don’t like every damn thing you do…well, you know…they’re just not positive enough.
The truth is this. When you get attention on social media – Facebook ‘likes’, retweets, Instagram ‘likes’, cock pics on Snapchat (that’s all Snapchat is for, right?), your brain releases all the happy chemicals that it used to release when you were actually doing happy things, like laughing, or cheering, or hugging, or receiving cock pics in a text message like it was 2011.
(For the record, cock pics are never a good idea.)
And while it is completely your fault for being an attention whore who can’t survive without other people’s admiration or glowering jealousy, it’s not your fault that the chemical reaction in your brain has you addicted to repeatedly validating yourself in the face of all those ridiculously unnecessary insecurities. So, with that said, please remember that it’s okay if you do these things. You just suck in the eyes of everyone around you. Even those who clicked ‘like’ on that picture of your cat.
Their last twenty ‘likes’ were on the pictures of your tits.
1) Hey, that’s a picture of your tits.
“Selfies” – self-shot pictures of…oneself – are the STD of social media. It feels good while you’re doing it, but afterwards, even your friends are all, “ewww, gross”.
What’s worse? Taking a totally attention-whoring selfie while pretending it’s totally a picture of something else.
Here’s Amanda Bynes taking a picture of a total train wreck with super awesome boobs.
Now, she’s crazy or whatever, so I’m only using this picture as an example.
If you have the unabashed gall to post a picture like this and caption it “Check out my new haircut” or “This bathroom is so dirty” or “Look, I’m on the e-cigarette now” (what is that in her hands?) – you suck. You know it’s a picture of your tits. We know it’s a picture of your tits.
It would be more honest, and no less dirty, to just say, “I’d really like you guys to give me some positive feedback about my breasts and body. I’m having a bad day. Actually, it’s just a totally normal day, but I really always need this sort of attention.”
This is by no means restricted to the ladies. Guys do this too. If you take a picture of yourself, shirtless, flexing in the bathroom, while holding your Chihuahua, and caption it, “Paco loves this weather”, you, my friend, are an attention loving girl. If you were taking a picture of your dog loving the weather, you could just go outside and do that and the picture could be just your dog…and not include you, you shirtless, your mirror, or your dumbfuck caption.
Because we’d already know your dog is enjoying the weather…because of pictures and eyes and what both of those things do to our brains.
I encourage anyone reading this to leave the comment, “No. That’s a picture of your tits”, on every one of these pictures that they come across.
2) The Matrix selfie
So you’re on some next-level shit, huh? That’s hot. Knock, knock I’m at your neighbors house. Ah, shit. Ya tricked me, Jay-Z.
This is potentially the shittiest selfie ever.
It’s the one where you take a picture of yourself in a totally non-descript location, like a bathroom or a hallway, with no emphasis on yourself or even what you’re wearing. No, the Matrix selfie is the one where you do all of this just to humblebrag about where you are via geotagging.
You’re pretending to take a picture, because, just, like, whatever. You know. I just totally felt like it was a good time to Insta.
But the geotag puts you at WME, or Playboy, or Soho House, or some famous address in Malibu and you get to pretend you totally didn’t realize that it was gonna tag you, much less tag you there, but oh god oh god…pleeeeease let them ask what I’m doing here!!
3) The over-selfie-er
I’ll make up whatever words I want, thanks. Over-selfie-er.
You don’t need selfies flooding your Instagram and Facebook all day long. You don’t even need one every day. You don’t even need one every week. You already have 4,000 photos in your photo albums. We can see you from every vain angle you can think of in every outfit you own.
If you’re thinking to yourself, “but people like them every day”, well, those people want to have sex with you. And not in a romantic and loving way. It’s more in the “I just spent all day in the basement thinking about you” kind of way.
4) But…I just like showing my outfits!
Unless you’re a fashion blogger or having phone sex, no one on the internet gives a mother fuck about what you’re wearing. Ever.
If they do, trust me, they’re not realizing it’s a picture of your outfit. They know that it’s a picture of your tits that you hashed “#ootd” to pretend that it wasn’t a picture of your tits.
5) #I #need #to #hash #tag #so #that #more #people #will #see #me.
Thirty hashtags on every picture you post huh? Let me tell you a little something. Everyone hates when you post. Even your best friends and the members of the opposite sex who click ‘like’ because they want to have sex with you.
Hashtags are for one purpose and one purpose only. They are to enable searches based on search terms which link thousands of posts from other people and can be divided by subject. For example, if I wanted to see what everyone was saying about Justin Bieber pissing in a bucket in a restaurant, I could click on a post that had #bieberpee and all the posts with that hashtag pop up. Truly genius.
Hashtags are definitely not bad-joke indicators, although that’s generally how people use them now. It’s usually best to leave jokes to people with senses of humor. It’s also usually best to make them in a manner that doesn’t drop you into the same canoe falling over the same waterfall as a 14 year old C-student.
I’ve actually had someone try to convince me that their hashtags increase their social media footprint. I have two points to make about this.
First, no it doesn’t.
Second, even if it does, what the fuck do you think that’s gonna get you? A book deal? So you can write 300+ pages of hashtags? You’re gonna get famous? By hashtagging the word “I”, as if someone is sitting at home clicking on the hashtag “I” and poring over all the results. Why, that would be as pathetic as sitting there for three minutes of your life punching hashtags into your phone every time you post a picture of yourself in the mirror…again!
Don’t hashtag #modellife unless you’re a Victoria’s Secret Angel on a private jet, an actual model on set or in a makeup chair, or…well, no. That’s it.
If you’re standing there next to your friend taking pictures at some rich guy’s house while you’re passing out shots for Hypnotiq and you were both on a motorcycle calendar ten years ago, that’s absolutely not #modellife, unless you’re trying to make a dark statement about the life of models. That would be a good documentary actually.
This also applies to #actorlife or whatever other lifestyle you’re pretending to embody.
5B) Also, nope.
Don’t hashtag #singlelife unless you’ve been single for a long time and are truly excellent at being single. Of course, anyone who’s truly excellent at being single would never hashtag #singlelife because that would be the indication that they’re actually terrible at single life and ruin the whole thing. No one has ever bragged about being single while also being happy about being single. This is quite possibly the most obvious public display of a defense mechanism in the history of defense mechanisms or public displays. If you want to hashtag #singlelife, your picture needs to be of a tear-soaked pillow on an empty side of the mattress.
Or else you’re lying. And of course everyone knows it.
5C) Nope. No way. Never.
Don’t hashtag #(anything)life. You’re lying every time.
6) No one cares where you are.
You don’t need to let us know that you’re in Bel Air, or Beverly Hills, or Malibu. All it takes to do that is driving somewhere. So are you bragging about having a car? Well, shit. Congratulations!
Also, don’t pretend it’s impressive that you’re someplace that anyone can go if they just pay some money. All that takes is money. So are you bragging about having money? Well, that’s pretty materialistic, no? Or are you bragging about being so special that someone took you and you went for free? Oh, congratulations! That person wants to have sex with you. See number three. (Not #3. Don’t want you to get confused and hashtag search the number three.)
7) Stop pretending you’re rich.
Everyone else can tell when you’re not the one paying for the thing you’re doing. If you didn’t pay for the thing yourself, get it as a perk from doing your job, or do it with a genuinely good friend, family member, or significant other, just go ahead and shut up. You’re bragging, you materialistic moron.
That’s very posh that you’re at that whatever brunch in St. Tropez. The only thing that takes away from it is that you’re, you know, a low-rent hooker.
Oh, you’re in Cannes huh? Is that from your fake acting career? Oh, congratulations!
It’s actually amazing that you are so into all that “Eastern Philosophy” like The Secret and Eckhart Tolle (right?) and you still don’t have the self-awareness to realize that reading and pretending to believe that nonsense doesn’t actually make you enlightened. Shocking, I know.
8) We know what the weather is.
You don’t ever need to post a picture of your car’s thermometer, or the iPhone weather screen shot, or talk about how hot it is. We know how hot it is because we have bodies and can go outside. We also know when it’s raining. Same reason. Because of bodies and awareness of earth-bound water leaking from the sky.
No one ever needs or wants to see a picture of you at the gym. No one needs a picture of the calorie readout on your elliptical machine or treadmill.
You go to the gym. Congratulations!! That’s, like, sooooo great for you.
No one needs to see your body after your workout…except for the fact that it’s actually a picture of your tits and those people want to have sex with you (see all the points above).
No one cares how much you bench or that you went to Crossfit. I promise you.
I know what you’re thinking…they totally do. Well, no. That’s called self-deception. You put the picture up for attention. Period.
I know what else you’re thinking. You post them because the feedback motivates you and you think you’re motivating others. That’s what’s called a “rationalization”. It’s your ‘legitimate reason’ for doing something you really just want to do.
10) You’re not married to that person.
Your relationship status says you’re married to your best friend, huh? Well, isn’t that totally cute and original?
Nope. It’s not. You’re not married. You’re just friends with that person. And being married to her on Facebook doesn’t actually make your friendship any better.
Plus people don’t like being tricked into believing that you’re a lesbian or that you’re married. It’s confusing.
But it will get attention…from people who want to have sex with you.
11) No reposting things to “help” a “cause”.
Just cut it out. You’re not helping anything except maybe increasing the Klout score of whoever started the stupid trend.
You haven’t saved any kids from child abuse. You haven’t caught any war criminals.
And I know you’re trying to help, but we could probably do with a few less horrifying pictures of tortured animals.
12) Life’s unraveling.
My great friend, the fantastic comedian Chris D’Elia (@chrisdelia on Twitter and Vine), came up with the term “life’s unraveling” which describes any positive statement that actually means the opposite and would indicate that things are going downhill reeeeal fast.
Like if you were completely wasted and had just lost your job and you were telling someone you barely know how much you love them and how great your life is.
This includes stuff like 5B.
It also includes the rash of “couple” pictures and statuses that get posted right before everyone breaks up. It’s actually amazing. The best way to tell that someone’s relationship is about to end is if, out of nowhere, they cannot stop posting pictures of themselves together or constantly updating about how in love they are.
That shit is over. Save yourself a week or two and just do it now.
Leave your job title blank if you’re just going to make things up. I know we all aspire to be great and blah, blah, blah.
But, see…the thing about “fake it till you make it” is that you actually have to stop faking it at some point.
Being SAG eligible doesn’t mean your job is “actor” any more than taking the LSAT means you’re a lawyer. I know. I did that. And I’m not a lawyer.
Also, you don’t work for SAG unless you actually work for SAG. You don’t work for ICM unless you work for ICM. The question is, “who’s your employer?” Not, “do you have an agency?”
If you acted once two years ago and you pay your bills by waiting tables, your job is not “SAG”, it’s “waiter”. I know. I did that too.
Your employer isn’t Playboy just because you’re naked on their website.
Your employer is the entity that continues to pay you.
Let’s stop pretending there’s something bad about having a job. Be proud that you’re working and taking care of yourself and not leeching off your parents. When did it become dishonorable to have a job?
The faking it thing doesn’t work. How do I know this? Because anyone who cares can click on the imdb.me page that you shouldn’t have posted to begin with.
14) The non-directional shit-talk.
“Who does this bitch think the she is?? Does she know that I know what she says? I know everything about her! She better not get anywhere near me or my man ever again! Long hair, don’t care! ROTFLMAOLOLOL.”
Like, what the fuck are you even talking about? If you hate that person so much, there’s probably no way that she’s on your Facebook reading your status. So basically, you’re just telling all the people who used to be friends with you and think that you’re a normal, rational person, that you are actually insane.
Unless, of course, you think that someone on your friends list will call up that bitch you hate and be all like, “Oh em gee, Karen. Debbie is soooo mad at you! What did you do? Well, you better look out. Debbie sounds like she means business.”
And if you do this, spare us from the inevitable follow up about how you’re just going to stay positive and be the bigger person. That ship sailed when you went on Facebook to unleash a psychotic non-directional tantrum.
14A) Here’s what “long hair, don’t care” means.
Lil Wayne made up this phrase. And it doesn’t mean what you think it means. See #2.
15) The “I got hit on” Humblebrag.
Stop complaining about how much you get hit on. Holy shit.
Next time just post, “I’m hot. And other people notice it, too.”
Oh, you poor thing. You’re sexually desired by people. I don’t know how you get through the day. I know how it can be difficult to deflect the advances of other people. Shit, I don’t even like being talked to by other people.
But you should probably just go ahead and keep this one to yourself. There is absolutely zero need to express this “problem” in a public forum.
And if you dare to post this and then talk about how you looked like shit, or feel like shit, or you were in some embarrassing position while you got hit on…well, that’s what the unfriend button is for.
How are you actually in need of all the attention that you collect from posting 20 pictures a day? How?
I want to understand you. We all do.
You’re beautiful. You’ve already won. You get to have people you don’t even like pay for everything just to maybe get a chance to maybe sleep with you.
We don’t need twelve pictures from your last shoot followed by five “behind the scenes” pictures from today’s shoot as well as one in the makeup chair, one of your morning coffee that says “5am call time”, two of the location, three of the sunset, one of you hugging the makeup artist, one of you hugging the photographer, one hugging the makeup artist’s chihuahua, two hugging the guy at the taco stand, one of you on the couch after “such a long day”, and then one in bed that you hashtag “#nomakeup” and “#nofilter”.
17) No filter.
Oh. No filter huh? How utterly amazing. So you mean, that picture of you is actually a picture…of you?
Whoa! (In your best Keanu Reeves voice)
There was a time when people actually had to just post pictures of how they really looked. And that time was 2010.
I don’t know how we survived, but we did. And we didn’t even have to evolve secret wings or anything.
18) Gluten didn’t kill your father.
No more talking about gluten unless you have Celiac disease.
You’re not Inigo Montoya. Gluten isn’t your enemy. You’re not going to kill it.
Gluten also isn’t ruining your life or your digestive tract.
It’s not making you fat.
It’s also not what made you stupid.
Also, shut up about Monsanto. It’s not that I’m pro-Monsanto. But I am anti-you-not-knowing-what-you’re-talking-about.
19) Don’t repost private conversations.
This is one of the most fucked up things you can do on the internet.
We have ALL emailed, texted, chatted something that was okay (or maybe not even) to a certain person – or maybe even certain people – that we wouldn’t be happy about having in a public forum. If you haven’t done this, you’re probably a committed member of Christian Mingle, which is far more embarrassing anyway.
When someone reposts someone else’s private conversation, I don’t think, “I can’t believe that person said that thing!” I think, “I can’t believe how petty this idiot is for trying to repost something else and embarrassing someone for no reason”.
There will be more. I just don’t know them yet.
Feel free to tell me how much of a hypocritical asshole I am. I will care. So much.
But just think…
If you repost this, people will read it and click “like”.
And while that “like” will actually be for me, in your brain it will feel like it’s really for you and how tasteful you were to repost this.
And that’s just like being hugged by an angel.
With a private jet.