Every decade or so, a few teams in the NFL decide to “update” their jerseys. They want to make a marketing splash, or maybe change the team’s image.
And almost every time, they end up looking ridiculous.
It’s like how Ford keeps trying to make a cool new Mustang that captures the essence of its old Mustangs, but just modernized for today’s consumer, without realizing that the only people who are going to buy them are strippers and midlife crisis guys.
This was especially big throughout the 90’s. I can imagine the conversations in all the team headquarters. They just felt like they had their fingers on the pulse of a trend…like how everyone in the 80’s thought electronic drums and the key-tar were definitely the future of music.
The worst ones all sort of feel the same. They are attempting to look modern and tough, but all come off more like a guy with a fake tan and tribal arm-band tattoos driving around in a yellow Hummer 2.
So, your jerseys suck: Rams, Buccaneers, Patriots, Eagles, Bengals, Broncos, Falcons, Titans, Panthers, Jaguars, Cardinals, and Ravens.
The Ravens, Jaguars, Titans, and Panthers get a pass because their franchises started in the terrible uniform period, although if they don’t fix their shit soon, their pass expires. They’ve had enough time to realize that they look ridiculous.
The Broncos and Buccaneers should go back to their light orange uniforms immediately. They were awesome. Speaking of which, the Chargers should go back to the powder blue full time, though their uniform never really changed a lot.
The Falcons never really got it right, so they’re on their own. Same with the Bengals.
The Rams unis have always looked bad, but now they’re horrendous. Then again, the Rams are barely a team, so thank goodness we never have to see them.
The Patriots and Eagles used to have great uniforms, and they seriously messed them up. That is sad. They still wear their old unis occasionally, and they always look a million times better than the new ones.
The Cardinals at least had classic looking uniforms before the techno-mess they sport now, but then again, the franchise has moved around a lot and always been terrible. If the Cardinals were a teenager, they’d probably end up in juvenile hall for their rough upbringing.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m forgetting someone. Well, no, I’m not.
I just wanted to be sure to talk about the Seattle Seahawks all by themselves. Their uniforms are so disgustingly terrible that they deserve to be mentioned all on their own. They might sport the worst uniforms in all of sports…maybe ever.
The main colors are ugly. The design is terrible. And then for some unknown reason, there’s a neon green stripe that doesn’t make any sense at all. I’m confused as to how anyone in the Seahawks front office ever approved them.
And somehow, they have an alternate jersey that makes their normal uniform seem good looking.
Classic is pretty much always better.
The new uniforms are just…ostentatious. And ostentatious is, well, always worse.
It’s so easy.