Suck

Vampires Aren't Real

This is the dumbest publicity stunt of all time.

In a move that is sure to drive business for their website and truly thrill millions of young women, you know, in their private parts, Ancestry.com has announced that it has “discovered” that Robert Pattinson is “related” to “vampires”.

This shocking and oh, so fitting, revelation comes just days before the release of the newest artistic masterpiece in the Twilight series, Eclipse.  It’s an amazing coincidence.  Real stunner.

Let’s break this down…

Their discovery is based on Pattinson having a distant relation to the British royal family, who they say has a distant relation to the man they called Vlad Dracula, aka Vlad the Impaler.

So basically, that’s kind of bullshit.  This is worse than six degrees of separation and then it’s, like, hundreds of years to account for too.  I’m related to Bill Clinton and Michael Jordan and Carrot Top – through Adam and Eve of course.  Oh, Adam and Eve isn’t real?  You don’t say.

What sort of experts did Ancestry.com put on this “case”?  It isn’t like Ancestry.com just started.  They’ve been around for years.  They couldn’t have figured all this out for the first movie?  Definitely better to wait for the second sequel.  Now there are way more teenage girls ready to cry and pledge their eternal love to a kid who looks like a real life ghost.

Then they can all join the site and find out if they’re related to Robert Pattinson.  But wait, that would backfire!  Then they couldn’t have human-vampire hybrid children with dreamboat vampire guy.

But let’s get down to the real nuts and bolts of this.

There aren’t vampires.  Vlad Dracula, if that is his real name, was thought to be the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s “Dracula”.  That doesn’t mean there were really vampires.  That would be like someone having an abusive father and then writing “Godzilla” and everyone believing that the author’s father was really a 70-story tall lizard that will someday be featured in video games.

People don’t turn into bats and fly around and suck people’s blood and sleep in coffins and have eternal life and burn up from sunlight and hate garlic and crosses and all of that other bullshit.  None of it is real.

None.  Of.  It.

Therefore, if there aren’t vampires, then Vlad Dracula was not a vampire.  If Vlad Dracula was not a vampire, then the British royal family does not have a relation, even a distant one, to a vampire.

Therefore, Robert Pattinson doesn’t have a relation, even a distant one, to a vampire.

So fuck you, Robert Pattinson.

Fuck you, Twilight.

And most of all, fuck you, Ancestry.com.

You shitheads.

Ladies, Start Your Vibrators

The third season of True Blood premieres tonight.

This is basically the female equivalent of a horny teenage boy stumbling upon a new, free porn site.

You know, with all the abs and all the chances for eternal, enduring love.

In case you’re not caught up, you can buy the first two seasons now on DVD.

If you buy both at the same time, they include a pocket-size vibrator.

Now that is a deal!

Overboard

No one needs these, that is for sure.

It’s not Valentine’s Day.  Is there really any other time of year where such below average candy is actually worth eating?

At least with Robert Pattinson on the box, you get an “intense wave of cold”.

They have a Taylor Lautner version too.  But don’t eat those.  They turn you into a werewolf at night and a terrible Saturday Night Live host during the day.

Vampire Dieting

Not fat.

Riddle me this, Twilight masturbators.  How the fuck are there no fat vampires?

This is perplexing to me.

I’ve seen Vampire stuff since I was a kid.  Movies, TV shows, etc…

Never have I ever seen one fat vampire.

So, come on, vampire experts, a.k.a. girls in the 13-29 age group.  Tell me.  Why are there no fat vampires?  Oh wait, there are no “vampire experts” because that would be the same as being an expert on dragons or aliens.

Almost every vampire I’ve ever seen is not only not fat, but actually insanely ripped.  (No rainbow).

I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of the vampires take down a fat person, even though it would seem like maybe they would be good sources of nutrition.  And if they did suck a fat person’s blood and turn that fat person into a vampire (this is how it happens, right experts?) would that person get skinny as a vampire?  Everyone I’ve talked to about this seems to think the answer must be ‘yes’.  But how fast does this happen?  Immediately?  Then maybe going vamp is the next diet craze.  Does it take a while?  Blood must be a relatively low-cal diet.  Maybe the weight just comes off in the first few weeks.

I don’t know why they don’t show this transition.  I think it would be inspiring.  It would be like “The Biggest Loser” except with blood and shirtless dudes and probably some tits too, unless it’s for the tweens and then it’s only about eternal love and no sex…which is probably the worst thing that could ever happen.

Can one of you girls just please stop watching True Blood for a second and put down your copy of Twilight and your vibrator and tell me the answer?