Unsafe Sex? Fuggetaboutit.

If you need this many condoms, I'm impressed.

Yes, there’s also an app for this.

Yesterday I discussed the Catholic Church’s recent approval of the “Confession” iPhone app.

Well, today I’m going to tell you about an app that is sure to increase the sales of the Confession app and make religious groups like the Catholic Church go bananas.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, or as the New York City Health Department calls it, “National Condom Awareness Day”, the department has launched an app called “NYC Condom Finder”.

As you might guess, this handy little app allows people to find the nearest location of city-wide condom distributors, happy to pass out NYC branded condoms for free.  It can use the GPS feature on your smartphone to provide you with walking directions to the nearest rubbers.

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Picture from The Used's "In Love and Death"

This is from 2005, so if you’re one of those readers who decides they know my current mental/emotional state based on what they read, please try to keep in mind that it’s seven years old and that you don’t know my mental/emotional state ever, unless you’re a very good friend of mine.

Ok…let me just first say that Valentine’s Day is stupid. For a lot of reasons. I’m going to tell you why.

First off, this “holiday” is completely overblown. It’s for girls and for Hallmark and nothing else. Let me assure you girls – guys don’t give a shit about Valentine’s Day.

Now, if you girls are in a relationship, or if you have someone taking you out tonight for Valentine’s Day, be thankful. Guys don’t want to go out for Valentine’s Day anymore than girls want to be alone for Valentine’s Day. If someone is taking you out, you should be that much more thankful, because it is strictly for you. Guys have to deal with spending a bunch of money on “sweet” shit that really does nothing for anyone.

They have to book reservations two weeks in advance if they want to go to a good restaurant. They have to put up with the overcrowded place, the jacked up prices, etc… just to make you happy. So please, be appreciative.

One of the shittiest things about Valentine’s Day is that it leaves single girls feeling self conscious and lonely, and that is bullshit. It’s roughly equivalent to how society is somehow able to make girls with amazing bodies feel fat. I sure as shit have no clue why you girls buy into this stuff, but you do, so hopefully there’s a guy out there who knows what you’re going through and will make you feel special. Isn’t that lovely? Yes, it is.

Anyway, if you don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day, you do not need to feel bad. If it were Tuesday, June 2nd, you wouldn’t feel bad that you didn’t have a date. If some guy who you weren’t interested in asked you out, you’d say “no” and go shopping, or go to the gym, or call the psychic hotline, or whatever it is that girls do when I’m not around. I usually assume that the world doesn’t revolve when I’m not in the picture, so I’m generally clueless as to how the fuck you spend your free time.
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No one needs these, that is for sure.

It’s not Valentine’s Day.  Is there really any other time of year where such below average candy is actually worth eating?

At least with Robert Pattinson on the box, you get an “intense wave of cold”.

They have a Taylor Lautner version too.  But don’t eat those.  They turn you into a werewolf at night and a terrible Saturday Night Live host during the day.