What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA)…Part Two

It’s been a while. Your Facebook page has evolved. So has how you use it. And by “evolve” I mean, gotten way, way worse.

It’s to the point where the original What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA) doesn’t come close to accounting for all of the inane shit you are (or maybe only I am?) forced to wade through on a daily basis.  So without further delay…

Last time I wrote about an epidemic level of narcissism.  I doubt much about that has changed.  It’s certainly as real and as omnipresent as ever.  But here’s the good news – and all of you who are obsessed with your self-help books and your replacement churches will love this – it’s totally not (all) your fault!  I know how much you need to hear that everything you do is wonderful…and it, like, soooooo is.  Don’t change a thing.  If other people don’t like every damn thing you do…well, you know…they’re just not positive enough.

The truth is this.  When you get attention on social media – Facebook ‘likes’, retweets, Instagram ‘likes’, cock pics on Snapchat (that’s all Snapchat is for, right?), your brain releases all the happy chemicals that it used to release when you were actually doing happy things, like laughing, or cheering, or hugging, or receiving cock pics in a text message like it was 2011.

(For the record, cock pics are never a good idea.)

And while it is completely your fault for being an attention whore who can’t survive without other people’s admiration or glowering jealousy, it’s not your fault that the chemical reaction in your brain has you addicted to repeatedly validating yourself in the face of all those ridiculously unnecessary insecurities.  So, with that said, please remember that it’s okay if you do these things.  You just suck in the eyes of everyone around you.  Even those who clicked ‘like’ on that picture of your cat.

Their last twenty ‘likes’ were on the pictures of your tits.

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Perpetual 9/12

** I generally hate to preface anything I write with a warning about being offended, but with as sensitive as this subject is, I assume there are some people who invariably will be offended (which I generally don’t care about, and also don’t now) but I hope that if they are offended it’s actually from something offensive I wrote (which I doubt I will) and not from the snap judgment to stop reading early.**

The theme of the ten-year anniversary commemoration of 9/11 was, in almost every circumstance, some version of “never forget”, which is unquestionably one of the most vacuous and empty thoughts to have about the whole thing, and it’s important from a lot of perspectives to understand why.

Now, I want to mention right up front that 9/11 is undoubtedly a horrific human tragedy. The loss of life that day should in no way be demeaned. The sacrifice of the first responders is truly noble. The courage and motivation of many young men and women to enlist in the military and volunteer for service is admirable.

The effect that the event has had on the American psyche is profound…but is that a good thing?

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What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA)

Just don't.

I suppose Facebook and Twitter are basically, by definition, mildly (or maybe strongly) narcissistic…

…and it’s absolutely true that neither of them are going anywhere anytime soon.

Narcissism – a narcissistic person: Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements); Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion; Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people.

So the question then becomes, how can you use them without seeming like a complete vapid asshole who thinks that everything they think and do during the day is somehow even remotely interesting to other people?  Well, here’s a simple list of things not to do on Facebook – especially if you live in LA.

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God Dammit!

God dammit!

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson gave me, and all other Steelers fans, a gift yesterday in the form of a dropped touchdown pass in overtime.  Instead of celebrating the winning score, the Bills offense was unable to get the job done and the Steelers drove for the winning field goal.

Johnson’s drop was unquestionably one of the worst plays of the season, and even though it allowed the Steelers to win, I honestly felt bad for the guy.

Apparently not as bad as he feels for himself though.

And now he’s given me another gift in the form of one of the most hilarious Tweets I’ve ever seen.

After the game yesterday, Johnson found himself searching for answers and relayed this on his Twitter account:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…

Throughout the history of sports, athletes have always attributed their talents, their accomplishments, and their victories to god.  They blather on at length about it in postgame interviews.  It’s more cliche than even the tried and true  “we’re just taking it a game at a time”.

But this is the first time, to my knowledge, that an athlete has actually stayed logically (if not intelligently) consistent and put the blame on god for a dropped touchdown pass.

So, Stevie, if you’re not sure what you’re expected to learn from this, I’ll tell you. Continue reading

I’ll Stop the World and Dork Out With You…

Trending: Dorks

Facebook is experiencing technical difficulties.

I learned that when I tried logging onto Facebook today.

Then I learned it again when I went to Twitter and discovered that four of the nine “Trending Topics” were Facebook related.

If you’re such a dork that you go to Twitter to express concern about Facebook’s technical difficulties, I think that’s how you know you have a problem.

Because what you’re doing on the internet isn’t something interesting to Tweet about…

…and what you’re not doing on the internet is even less so.