You Eat McDonald’s. Every Day.


Just fuckin’ eat me.

You eat McDonald’s.  Every single day.

I bet you didn’t realize it, but it’s true, I promise you.  Just today you ate a McRib for breakfast.  And the McRib isn’t even in season!  Mmm…rib season.

Today, within ten minutes of getting up, making some coffee…

(Oh, no!  Caffeine!  You’re Satan, caffeine!  We should all just drink green tea instead and then listen to our Eckhart Tolle tapes. Oh wait, that’s not Eckhart Tolle, that’s the computerized Apple Talk voice telling me to eat a McRib.  They sound the same.  Eckhart Tolle is the reason I ate a McRib!)

…anyway.  Coffee.  Yeah, I made some.  Then I poured it in a funny souvenir coffee cup that my brother brought back from Cabo San Lucas.  It has a joke on it that some overly P.C. shithead would be offended by, but really, it’s not remotely offensive.

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Couldn’t See This Coming…

Buy this if you want to be $30 poorer.

Are you ready for a real shocker?

Here we go.

Rubber bands don’t improve your strength or balance or flexibility.  I know, what I just said needs a minute to set in.

Got it?

The the makers of the highly touted Power Balance wristband have been forced to issue a statement in Australia that there was no proof of any kind that the Power Balance wristband did anything other than make your wrist look silly.

In a statement on their website they write:  “In our advertising we stated that Power Balance wristbands improved your strength, balance and flexibility.  We admit that there is no credible scientific evidence that supports our claims and therefore we engaged in misleading conduct in breach of s52 of the Trade Practices Act 1974.”

Seems so hard to believe that something as sensible as wearing a rubber band with a hologram on it on your wrist doesn’t do anything.  I mean, what with all the advancements in rubber band and hologram technology happening in the wrist-wearables field.

The admission that their product doesn’t actually do anything other than trick people hasn’t stopped Power Balance from selling the wristbands and it hasn’t stopped them from continuing to have misleading marketing on their website where the description of the “power” is still right there:

“Power Balance is based on the idea of optimizing the body’s natural energy flow, similar to concepts behind many Eastern philosophies.  The hologram in Power Balance is designed to respond to the natural energy field of the body.  The Mylar material at the core of Power Balance has been treated with energy waves at specific frequencies.  The resulting Mylar is believed to resonate and work with your body’s natural energy flow to help enable you to perform at the best of your ability.”

Did you understand all of that?  No?  Neither does anyone else.

The technology is based on Eastern Philosophy you say?  How is that even a coherent statement?  That’s like basing a car’s transmission on Santa’s reindeer technology.  Or developing a computer processor based on the Golden Rule.

And it makes me wonder what the hologram on my debit card is doing to me.  I think it’s responsible for that guy who’s been following me around.

And that’s what happens when you mix science and utter bullshit.

You wind up with Power Balance wristbands, Airborne (another admitted scam), and The Secret.

There is no science behind the Power Balance band, aside from the ability to produce rubber and the ability to produce holograms.  And then the ability to glue the two together.

Kind of like in The Secret when it says that the “Law” of Attraction is just like the Law of Gravity.  It’s not.  Gravity is real and the “Law” of Attraction is a happy thought that Rhonda Byrne uses to sell books.

These products always have an extremely positive effect…on whoever is producing and selling them.

And for everyone else, they’re basically worthless.

If they “work” for you, it’s purely coincidental, obviously, and completely in your head.

A good policy would be to always say ‘no’ to pseudoscience.

Then again, Americans are usually just busy saying ‘no’ to actual science.

Saying ‘yes’ to pseudoscience is a lot more fun in a happy, wish-fulfilling way.

The End of Literature

This is where my novel comes from! Oh, and from the person who's writing it for me!

I guess it had to happen sometime.

It’s not like anyone really reads books anymore anyway.  I mean, we’re all so busy with reality shows and getting fat.  Almost 3 out of 10 Americans don’t even bother reading a single book per year.

Fortunately for the country, and unfortunately for her publisher, there’s likely a nearly 100% correlation between Jersey Shore fans and those who don’t read any books.

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You Wish

Hey, Deepak Chopra, you only wish you could actually do the things you pretend to be able to do.

Dingbat / jackass, Deepak Chopra took responsibility for Sunday’s 7.2 magnitude earthquake in Baja, Mexico.  That’s right.  He said, on Twitter of course, “Had a powerful meditation just now — caused an earthquake in Southern California.  Was meditating on Shiva mantra & earth began to shake. Sorry about that.”

Well, that didn’t happen.  I’m guessing / hoping that what he said was tongue in cheek, but even if it was, the faux-Jedi-master was probably taken at his word by a good portion of his silly flock.  Don’t believe me?  Look at the @ replies to Chopra’s Twitter account.  People are actually amused by his “connection to and with the earthquake”.  I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Chopra is just lucky that the earthquake happened in an area better prepared for it than Haiti.  I wonder if his crowd of semi-informed readers who can’t wait to give him more money for snake oil would have been laughing and fawning under those circumstances.

As it stands, the quake caused multiple deaths, the destruction of homes and schools, and thousands of Mexican citizens being left without electricity.

Maybe, since Chopra believes in his methods so strongly, and since he obviously must be the expert, he should spend each day meditating on having no earthquakes.  While he’s at it maybe he can manifest some peace in the Middle East, the end of oppression, a cure to world disease and hunger, and a time machine too.

You know, because Deepak can influence the world around him through quantum mechanics.  Oh, no wait, he can’t.  Because while thousands (millions?) of “positive thinkers” love to pretend that there’s some sort of science behind Chopra’s ideas, The Secret, etc… the community of theoretical physicists doesn’t seem to agree.  And unfortunately, Chopra doesn’t either.

Though he passes it off to his readers as a factual relationship between the mind and the world outside, he has no problem admitting that it’s a metaphor.  Sounds sort of like Bible apologists actually.  If you don’t believe me, take five minutes and watch Richard Dawkins make him look ridiculous face to face.

If you need more, watch his attempt at “debate” with Sam Harris from a couple of weeks ago.

Chopra, like most motivational speakers and writers, creates the greatest success for himself.  It doesn’t really matter what he says, it only matters how it’s received.  He’s made millions upon millions of dollars by deliberately misleading his readers.  Even those who will go to the grave believing that his methods worked for them aren’t proof that the methods are true, any more than a person living a full and satisfying life as a practicing Christian proves that people can turn water into wine.

People want to believe that they can make their lives better by thinking (feeling?  praying?) hard enough, but that just isn’t how it works.

And how ridiculous is it that this grand message of the influence of “consciousness” was relayed via Twitter?

Couldn’t he have just mentally implanted this message in the mind of his people by making it so?