Unsafe Sex? Fuggetaboutit.

If you need this many condoms, I'm impressed.

Yes, there’s also an app for this.

Yesterday I discussed the Catholic Church’s recent approval of the “Confession” iPhone app.

Well, today I’m going to tell you about an app that is sure to increase the sales of the Confession app and make religious groups like the Catholic Church go bananas.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, or as the New York City Health Department calls it, “National Condom Awareness Day”, the department has launched an app called “NYC Condom Finder”.

As you might guess, this handy little app allows people to find the nearest location of city-wide condom distributors, happy to pass out NYC branded condoms for free.  It can use the GPS feature on your smartphone to provide you with walking directions to the nearest rubbers.

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Vaginal Art Class

I cum creativity.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

These words of incomparable wisdom are courtesy of Lady Gaga, if that is her real name (it isn’t).

This extraordinarily stupid idea was an explanation about why she didn’t have sex, relayed to Vanity Fair in a recent interview that the magazine did with Stefani.  I mean, Gaga.

(Another explanation would be because of “not hot”.)

Maybe it’s sort of like when Muhammad Ali wouldn’t have sex for the six weeks leading up to a fight, so as not to drain him of his ass-kicking life force.

And if she’s right, shouldn’t she bottle her vaginal fluids and sell them?  I mean, if that’s all it takes to make huge pop hits (besides writers, producers, dancers, record labels, and people who make the most atrociously ugly clothes in the entire world) it seems like that should be her highest selling product.

Bonus:  It’s impossible to download pirated copies of Gaga’s um…gaga(?) over the internet!

The craziest piece of information to come out of this, though, is that at some point Lady Gaga must’ve had a crazy three-way with Madonna and Cher involving full vaginal penetration.

I mean, that’s what she’s saying, right?

No Shit

The moment we’ve all been waiting for…

Porn star Stormy Daniels has decided not to run for Senate against Louisiana’s hooker-purchasing Senator, David Vitter.

She says her reason for dropping out the “race” was Vitter’s vast campaign funding edge.  She says he’s got over $5MM to spend in defeating her in the election.

As if one campaign commercial with even a two second clip of a censored DP scene wouldn’t do the trick.

I could beat a porn star in a Senate race and I have no money at all.

But, yeah, sure…she definitely would have won if it weren’t for that major financial advantage.

She said in her (way too long) statement that she’d have no means of raising the type of money necessary to compete with Vitter, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true.  In fact, if she is used to getting paid for having sex, and he is used to paying for sex, it seems like if she just stayed in the race long enough, she’d have $5 million and Vitter would have zero.

Seems like she’d have all sorts of great fundraising opportunities.

And even then, she still probably wouldn’t win.

Because she’s a porn star.  Like, duh.

She’s Having a “Wii Fit”

The phrase “Wii fit” used to refer to the exercise based “game” on Nintendo’s Wii console that utilized different equipment to give the user a full-fledged at-home workout.

According to a recent story out of the UK, I think that it’s time we give the words “Wii fit” a second meaning.

And what meaning is this?

Well, I’m glad you asked.  From now on, “Wii fit” can be used in place of “screaming orgasm”.

For example:  “Hey, what’s that noise next door?  It sounds like Jane is getting murdered!”  “No, her boyfriend is over.  She’s having a Wii fit“.

A woman named Amanda Flowers in Manchester, UK is blaming her Wii fit apparatus for making her a sex addict.  She says she fell from the Wii fit board and now every time she’s near anything with even slight vibration, such as an elevator or food processor, she experiences a “tingle” that builds up to a “trembling orgasm”.

I know what you’re thinking…this is the best injury ever.  It’s hard to even call that an injury.

She says she needs to be um, satisfied, ten times a day now.

I’m thinking that some combination of Pacman, Donkey Kong, and Super Mario (on Star Power only) could probably do the trick.

PS.  You know this is just a preemptive warning to her estranged father that he’s going to see his daughter in porn in the next six months.  “It’s not my fault dad!  It’s the Nintendo!”

Fuck It

I don’t care who anyone is fucking unless that person is my girlfriend.

No one should.

I especially don’t care who celebrities fuck.  Ever.  And you shouldn’t either.

Why?

Because it doesn’t fucking matter at all.

The gossip world is abuzz with Jesse James and Sandra Bullock rumors.  Thank goodness there’s finally something going on that knocks the four month long Tiger Woods fiasco down to second place.

The problem is that none of it matters, not even a little bit, unless your name is Sandra Bullock.  Sorry, Sandra, but there shouldn’t be one single person in the whole wide world who is surprised that a guy who was formerly married to a porn star might actually cheat on his third wife.  Shit, I could look at the guy and tell you that it would happen.  The dude used to get arrested for stealing cars, and while he might not look like the chicks on Jersey Shore, he’s still a reality TV “star” who wants to be famous – just with a tough guy attitude and tattoos.

Now, women everywhere are theorizing about how such a shocking turn of events could have happened.  I mean, Sandra Bullock is so successful and so sweet and so talented.

So what?

Jesse James didn’t cheat on her because she’s more successful and he wants to put her in a subjugated position.  He didn’t do it because he has low self-esteem.  He did it because he’s short on integrity and self-control and long on a desire to stick his penis into a lot of different women.

He did it because he can. The guy is famous.  Girls want to sleep with famous guys.  Period.  Jesse James was a target for the women he slept with.

We don’t need a bunch of psycho-babble to figure this out.  The dude wants to fuck chicks and he obviously prioritizes that more than he prioritizes being faithful to his lovely, talented, and successful wife.  Idiotic?  Yes.  Surprising?  Not even close.  Maybe you forgot in the last minute…his former wife was a porn star.

Tangent:  I actually saw an article the other day where the writer was claiming that “this one” (the Bullock-James “scandal”) hurt women so much because they feel like Sandra Bullock is some sort of every-woman and that they relate to her and feel some commonality.  Let me tell you, that is total, complete bullshit.  If the writer is right, then there are a lot of women out there that need to look in the mirror and realize that they don’t have anything in common with Sandra Bullock.  She is an actress.  When you see her in movies she is fucking acting! You don’t know her.  She makes $20 million a year.  She probably spends more time on red carpets than in grocery stores.  And she married a reality show “star” who used to be married to a porn star!  Does that sound like your life?  No.  So let’s stop pretending.

Now, I’m not saying this stuff was her fault or that she doesn’t deserve to have a guy be faithful to her.  I’m saying this isn’t news.  It isn’t interesting.  It isn’t worth the big show.  If you feel bad for Sandra Bullock, the best way to help her will be to stop following the fucking story.  Then she won’t have paparazzi following her around night and day.  When idiots stop caring about the gory details of other people’s personal lives, maybe those people you “love” so much won’t have so many problems.

Amusingly, no one had this kind of caring for Tiger’s wife.  Why not?  Because they didn’t pretend to “know” her.  Ridiculous.

People were more interested in the list of women that Tiger had nailed and the texts he had sent them than what his wife or kids might be going through.

But that “scandal” wasn’t surprising either.  Tiger hits a little white ball with a stick.  He does it better than anyone else in the world.  There are 7,000,000,000 people in the world.  He is the single best at what he does.  People glorify him.  They pretend he’s some sort of god.  But all he really does is play golf really, really well.  That doesn’t mean he’s a good, much less perfect, person.  It means he’s spent entirely too much of his life hitting a little ball with a stick.

While other guys in their early 20’s were trying to get laid all day long, Tiger was hitting a little ball with a stick.  The more he did that, the better he got, and the more people idolized him.  Eventually, he was only an idol.  If Tiger wasn’t so good at hitting a little ball with a stick, and was an accountant or something, there’s probably almost zero chance that a Swedish supermodel would have married him.

Most guys who reach that level of financial success, fame, or achievement worked so hard to do so to finally be desirable to women who wouldn’t have sex with them before.  Sometimes they don’t stop doing this after they’re married, unfortunately. These guys aren’t sex addicts though.  They don’t need to be in any 12-step programs.  They are just cheaters.  Period.  They want to fuck chicks because they can.

And if you’re the sort of girl who melts for a guy because you see him on TV or in movies or read about him, or you’re attracted to his wealth, his lifestyle, or his power, you’re just as guilty as that guy is when things fall apart.  You can’t spend your time idolizing someone and then expect that person to view you as his equal.  You also don’t become successful by allowing a successful person to have sex with you.  Success isn’t some sort of happy STD.  That just isn’t how it works.

So let’s all just grow up here.  Guys like to have sex with as many women as they possibly can, and when their options are endless, their desire is endless.  Some guys can control themselves, some can’t.

The only mystery in all of this as far as I’m concerned is why so many fucking people care.