There’s an app for that.

Recently, the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval to an iPhone app called Confession.

The application takes you through the steps of preparing to confess all your sins to your local Catholic priest.

It gives you a “customized examination of conscience” based on things like your age, sex, marital status, and vocation.  But as you might guess, no matter what your answers to those questions are, it always tells you you’re sinning if the question regards sex in any way, or meat on Friday afternoons.  The version I tried out seems glitchy actually.  It kept leading me to a black screen with a beautifully artistic rendering of Satan and the words, “straight to hell”.  I assume I’m not passing Go(d) or collecting two hundred dollars.  For the record, Satan is always scarier when he looks really well conceived.  Wishy-washy cartoony versions of Satan just don’t do the trick.

Not scary enough.It breaks down the different sins and even allows you to add your own if they’re not listed.  For instance, Catholic priests will probably find it extremely useful to add “child molestation” to the app, since it will make it possible for them to still pretend they’re going to heaven while allowing them to not actually admit it out loud.

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Fantasy Baseball

Satan pulled my hamstring.

Video: Luke Scott Injury

This is Luke Scott of the Baltimore Orioles.

He hit a homerun.  Congratulations, Luke Scott.

He started running, because that’s what you do after a home run.

He strained his hamstring which made the rest of his run very difficult.  Now he’s on the disabled list.

But if you watch the video, you’ll see him do the normal pro athlete thing and thank god by pointing to the sky and hitting his chest or whatever it is that means, “Hey, god.  I really love you.  Like, for real.  Thanks for the home run.”

It seems a little off to me though.

I mean, yeah, cool.  You hit a homer.

But now you don’t get to play baseball for the next two weeks, at least.  That must have been the work of Satan though.

Maybe next time this happens, the player should point up to the sky to thank god and then point to the ground and kick it to curse Satan.  Rival fantasy creatures toying with a man during one home run trot.

That’s really something.


The Vatican’s “Chief Exorcist” (since they can make up whatever they want), Father Gabriele Amorth, has declared that the devil – you know, Satan, the red guy, with the horns and hoofs – has made his way into the Vatican and is to blame for all of the various evils that the Church has perpetrated in recent years.

Amorth has been the Chief Exorcist for 25 years and has claimed to have handled 70,000 cases of demonic possession.  Even if he was practicing for 25 years before his Chief role, that’s 1,400 possessions a year.  That’s almost 4 demons a day, every day, for 25 years!!  Most of us will never see a single possessed person for as long as we live (because it’s not real…shhh!) but Father Amorth sees 4 every single day!

Exorcisms!!  This stuff makes me laugh so hard.  Here you have an 85-year-old man who has devoted his life to ridding people and places of the demons who have possessed them.  You know, because they couldn’t just be weird or bad people.

Father Amorth says that Satan’s presence inside the Vatican has resulted in:

– Power struggles within the Church

– Violence and pedophelia

– The Church’s cover-ups of murders and other crimes

That makes sense.  Those totally aren’t things that people of ill intention just do on their own.  It must be demonic possession.

He also holds Satan responsible for Cardinals who no longer believe in Jesus, because it certainly wasn’t having to hang out at the Vatican with guys like Amorth who are flat-out insane that shook their faith…or god forbid, rational thought.

He also blames demonic possession for the behavior of Stalin and Hitler.  Because they were such great guys otherwise!  It was just the demons!

Amorth claims that the devil sometimes assumes different personalities and transformations, all while being “pure spirit, invisible”.  He says that sometimes the devil makes fun of him.

I guess I’m making fun of him too.  So maybe that means I’m the devil.

Or maybe it’s time that the Vatican jump into the 21st century and stop pretending that evil spirits are to blame for all the evils in the world.

A whack-job 85-year-old guy reading magical ceremonies to angry people is doing nothing to admit or correct the litany of problems facing the Catholic Church.

But it does make for a hysterical read.

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P.S. – I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.