Johnny Pandersticks

Vote for me! Please.

Mitt Romney released the audio part of the sequel to the infamous Drinking Out of Cups video by Dan Deacon.  Once they get the animated lizard and some awesome backgrounds, they’ll be good to go.

He’s been trying to say everything that he thinks people want to hear for so long that he has no idea who he is anymore.  He’s become completely unhinged and it’s hilarious.

Some…

“I was born and raised here. I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right height.  I like seeing the lakes. I love the lakes. There’s something very special here. The Great Lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan. I love cars.”

At least he’s got the seahorse vote locked up.

Have a look…

Drinking Out of Cups

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skCV2L0c6K0

Romney’s Sequel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHaMqHh5NZ4

 

So Many Things…

Sometimes when you win, you're still a loser.

There are so many things wrong with this picture.  Let’s see if we can find them all.

First of all, Mitt Romney won the pointless Iowa Caucus by 8 votes out of 122,255 total votes.  He spent 17 jillion dollars there trying to make Newt Gingrich look bad.  That worked.  But then a guy who spent nothing almost beat him.  Considering what advantages Romney had over Rick Santorum, Santorum kind of did beat him.  Mitt’s been the frontrunner for years now, so winning by 8 votes means that everyone pretty much still hates him.

And he (almost) got beat by someone whose name has come to be defined as something I don’t even want to write…so just Google it.  It’s more fun than me ruining the surprise for you, and it’ll keep it in the top search spot.

Then we’ve got Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and Herman Cain all finishing with less total votes combined than Ron Paul alone which is strange since god told them all to run for president.  Then again, if god can’t make up his mind and he totally lacks the follow through to help any of them win, what does his endorsement really mean anyway?  Besides, he told George W. Bush to invade Iraq, so maybe politics isn’t god’s thing.  It’s almost like it would be a good idea to keep those things separate…

Somewhat unsurprisingly, 58 Iowans actually didn’t realize that Herman Cain left his sexual harassment 9-9-9 campaign of bullshit in the past a few weeks ago.

Jon Huntsman, the only candidate who openly admits to acknowledging the realities of climate change and evolution got 745 total votes.  Literally, the only candidate with enough intelligence and integrity to essentially say that 2+2=4 gets treated like a total non-factor.  There’s so much wrong with that.

But none of that is as wrong and funny as this…

135 people showed up to caucus for “no preference”.

Caucus attendees left their houses for a non-binding vote where they had to mill around for a while and then write a name down on a piece of blank paper…and 135 Iowans spent a few hours of their day doing this to write “no preference” on a card.

That is unequivocally insane.

So congratulations, Iowa.  Your caucus system is still a total sham.

The Sanctity of Marriage

For as long as we both shall live...or 72 days, whichever comes first.

Who would’ve guessed it?  These two idiots are getting divorced.  Some people even care.

After 72 whole days of what was very likely the most intolerable marriage of all time, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian have filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences – possibly that she realized he didn’t currently have a job because of the NBA lockout or that he’s half white.

Between the wedding ring ($2MM) and the wedding itself, the costs of which are estimated between $10MM and $20MM, the Kardashian/Humphries marriage was a waste of somewhere between $167,000 and $306,000 per day.  That’s more than about 98% of Americans earn in a year.

It’s reported that neither the couple nor their families kicked down a dime for the wedding costs and that Humphries bought the ring on a substantial discount.  It’s also reported that they raked in around $17.9MM for the photo rights and the airing of the 4-hour long E! special documenting their “special day”.

This all being true, it’s hard to look at the marriage (her second) as anything more than a massive publicity stunt…a business deal.  Conservatives should be happy about it.  The free market decided that photos in People Magazine and an excruciating 4-hour long reality show are marriage the way god intended it, between a man and a woman and a bank account.

But with their logic, why would anyone even bother getting married without a profit motive?  Oh wait, that’s how marriage started!  But thank goodness that a few centuries ago god changed the definition to include only men and women – and only for the purposes of love and child bearing.  It definitely can’t be about money or tax incentives.  They wouldn’t give tax breaks to married couples, would they?

And what about marriages for U.S. citizenship?  That happens all the time.  But as long as it’s between a man and woman and not some homo heathens, it’s fine.

Let’s just make sure that no homosexual American citizens are allowed to marry for love and happiness.  That will definitely destroy the sanctity of marriage.  And then for Halloween your trick-or-treating kids will wander over to their house where the gay married couple will be dressed in bondage costumes and before you know it your strapping young son is listening to Barbara Streisand and thinking constantly about blowjobs.

Can we all just stop pretending that there’s any “sanctity” in marriage?  I’m not saying there’s no sanctity in individual marriages, there can be…and should be!  But with publicity stunt marriages, citizenship marriages, an astronomical divorce rate (which is higher in the reddest red states), and plenty of infidelity to go around, how can anyone argue that there is any sanctity at all in the institution of marriage?

I want to see an illegal Mexican immigrant get gay married for his green card.  That would make a Republican’s head explode.

Thinking is Redundant

"I'm not the decider."

I’m loathe to write twice in a row about the same person, especially when that person is Michele Bachmann, but her performance on Meet the Press yesterday merits some comment and consideration.  In short, it was an absolute abomination – one that is sure to please her followers and enhance her position as the Tea Party princess.

Between skirting her former judgments on how debased and deplorable homosexuals are and redefining the word “submissive” to somehow be synonymous to “respect”, she made an argument that more and more people are making these days, to the detriment of the country as a whole.

At one point, David Gregory addressed Bachmann’s hardline stance to oppose any raise of the debt ceiling, even though every expert said it was a reckless position to take.  Her response was as follows:

The people of this country would love to weigh in, and they would love to say, “Tim Geithner, Treasury secretary, you’re wrong. Mr. President, you’re wrong”…. all the people in Washington said we had to raise the debt ceiling, all the people out in America said don’t raise the debt ceiling…. representatives are supposed to represent the people that they serve. The people that they’re serving are saying, “You guys don’t have it figured out. Stop spending money you don’t have.

Gregory actually did a surprisingly reasonable job of following up on these statements, asking repeatedly if public opinion should be the determining decision making factor in a representative democracy, noting that the whole reason to have representatives making the decisions is because we don’t just use public opinion.

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Serious Media

President Obama went on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart last night – the first time a sitting president has ever appeared on the show.

So naturally, the rest of the “media” is completely up in arms today.

From talk radio to the cable channels, the talking heads are all bitter and jealous that the president took his time to visit with a “comedian” rather than spend the time with “serious journalists”.

This is preposterous

Does Jon Stewart make dick jokes?  Yes.

But night in and night out, Jon Stewart can be found speaking the truth in a funny, poignant, and generally informative way.

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