The Sanctity of Marriage

For as long as we both shall live...or 72 days, whichever comes first.

Who would’ve guessed it?  These two idiots are getting divorced.  Some people even care.

After 72 whole days of what was very likely the most intolerable marriage of all time, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian have filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences – possibly that she realized he didn’t currently have a job because of the NBA lockout or that he’s half white.

Between the wedding ring ($2MM) and the wedding itself, the costs of which are estimated between $10MM and $20MM, the Kardashian/Humphries marriage was a waste of somewhere between $167,000 and $306,000 per day.  That’s more than about 98% of Americans earn in a year.

It’s reported that neither the couple nor their families kicked down a dime for the wedding costs and that Humphries bought the ring on a substantial discount.  It’s also reported that they raked in around $17.9MM for the photo rights and the airing of the 4-hour long E! special documenting their “special day”.

This all being true, it’s hard to look at the marriage (her second) as anything more than a massive publicity stunt…a business deal.  Conservatives should be happy about it.  The free market decided that photos in People Magazine and an excruciating 4-hour long reality show are marriage the way god intended it, between a man and a woman and a bank account.

But with their logic, why would anyone even bother getting married without a profit motive?  Oh wait, that’s how marriage started!  But thank goodness that a few centuries ago god changed the definition to include only men and women – and only for the purposes of love and child bearing.  It definitely can’t be about money or tax incentives.  They wouldn’t give tax breaks to married couples, would they?

And what about marriages for U.S. citizenship?  That happens all the time.  But as long as it’s between a man and woman and not some homo heathens, it’s fine.

Let’s just make sure that no homosexual American citizens are allowed to marry for love and happiness.  That will definitely destroy the sanctity of marriage.  And then for Halloween your trick-or-treating kids will wander over to their house where the gay married couple will be dressed in bondage costumes and before you know it your strapping young son is listening to Barbara Streisand and thinking constantly about blowjobs.

Can we all just stop pretending that there’s any “sanctity” in marriage?  I’m not saying there’s no sanctity in individual marriages, there can be…and should be!  But with publicity stunt marriages, citizenship marriages, an astronomical divorce rate (which is higher in the reddest red states), and plenty of infidelity to go around, how can anyone argue that there is any sanctity at all in the institution of marriage?

I want to see an illegal Mexican immigrant get gay married for his green card.  That would make a Republican’s head explode.

Real Suicides of Beverly Hills

Reality television viewers everywhere should give themselves a giant pat on the back.  They’ve turned their favorite show’s scripted “reality” drama into actual, real life, reality drama.

That’s right.  Real life drama!  It’s so exciting.  So dramatic.

So depressing.

Russell Armstrong, husband of “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” “star”, Taylor Armstrong, went ahead and hung himself.

ABC News reports that Armstrong was “more than $1.5 million in debt as a result of trying to keep up with expectations for the lavish lifestyle portrayed on the show”.  They also note that the Armstrongs’ marriage collapsed during the filming of the most recent season of the show.

Over a million dollars in debt and dealing with a failed marraige…who would think those things could cause a depressed guy to kill himself?

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Froggies

I did it all wrong.

Yesterday, a man that news outlets are referring to as an “environmental militant” took hostages at the headquarters of the Discovery Channel.  James J. Lee said he was armed and wearing explosive devices, and it resulted in an hours-long standoff that eventually led to the shooting and killing of Lee.

Before he was killed, his manifesto and website (savetheplanetprotest.com) were released, detailing his demands…which are, well, hysterical.

Lee’s overarching position is that the human race needs to stop reproducing, or at least slow down the rate of reproduction dramatically.  Slowing population growth is actually a fairly important issue since the resources available can’t sustain the population expansion indefinitely.  But there are actually good ways to work toward that goal, and none of them involve taking hostages at the Discovery Channel.

Lee writes, “Saving the environment and the remaning [sic] species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels. . . The humans? The planet does not need humans.”

This is truly an excellent list of the animals, and it’s especially joyful that he has given them the proper respect by capitalizing their names.  He has literally nailed every species known by kindergartners.  And, of course, the squirrels.  Oh, the squirrels.  Where would we be without those little nut eating rodents, scurrying about both the city and the countryside?  Oh, the squirrels.  Your grey brown coat looks so beautiful, yet slightly dirty.  Oh, squirrels.  There’s a chance that at least one of you is a homeless man’s best friend.

And the froggies (that’s the technical term).  The Discovery Channel probably just calls them “frogs”.  Assholes.  That doesn’t do them justice.  Calling them “Froggies” helps to relay how sweet and cute and cuddly they are.

I do find it odd though that he doesn’t care about saving the rabbits…er, bunnies.  I mean, they are only encouraging overpopulation.  Everyone knows that no one loves to fuck more than rabbits, and they never use protection.  Fucking fucking rabbits.  Get it?

Some of his demands included finding solutions for pollution, international trade, unemployment, the housing crisis, arms proliferation, war-mongering, and immigration (because while he hates all human reproduction, he especially hates it in 3rd world countries).

Seems reasonable.  We’d all love solutions to those problems.  But this is when you know a dude is fucking nuts.  “Solve the Israel-Palestine issue or I’m going to blow up a grocery store!”  Yeah?  See ya.  It’s a little more complicated than that.

But wait, there’s more.  The other demands had to do with Discovery Channel’s programming.  He demanded that the Discovery Channel and TLC cease all broadcasts of shows promoting human birth or war.  In their place, he demanded that all prime time slots on the Discovery Channel would be filled with programs about solving the world’s environmental crisis, based on Daniel Quinn’s “My Ishmael”…pages 207-212.  I, personally, have been waiting for a movie to come along that is a combination of page 154 and “Me, Myself, and Irene”.  That would be box office gold!

The other show he wants to see before everyone can go back to their normal lives is a show “on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution.”

What comes next is amazing…

…wait for it…

“A game show format contest would be in order.”

I can see the network execs bubbling over with excitement and anticipation.  Maybe we can call it, “The Amazing End to the Human Race”.  Lee should have just set up a meeting and pitched his show.  I mean, it’s such a good idea.

Come to think of it, isn’t this basically the plot of that dumb Adam Sandler movie, “Airheads”?  Mr. Lee, stop copying mid-90’s comedies.

Oh, and just to drive home his point, Lee demanded “MAKE IT INTERESTING SO PEOPLE WATCH AND APPLY SOLUTIONS!!!!”

As if all of this wasn’t flat out bat-shit insane enough, this guy just doesn’t know how to do the whole hostage thing.

You’re supposed to demand a million dollars in non-sequential bills and a helicopter that will take you safely to Rio where you disappear completely and live out your days under the radar, hopefully shacked up with Salma Hayek’s cousin on a beach somewhere.  You don’t demand things that take months, years, or an eternity to accomplish.

How long does Mr. Lee think it takes to produce a television program that will encourage the end of human population growth that is both educational and interesting?  You can’t just hold the hostages until the show airs, dumbass.  You need to make your demands more immediate.

Either that, or you need to be a lot more powerful, be holed up in a secret lair, and give a deadline for your demands, which if not met will result in great catastrophe…like get a “laser” and pretend you’re Dr. Evil and let the Discovery Channel know that if they don’t put your program on the air, you’ll engulf their headquarters in liquid hot magma.

But my advice is falling on deaf ears, I mean, dead ears.  Way to go, Mr. Lee.  You are officially the worst hostage taker ever.

And to top it off, if you really want to help society, why didn’t you go after MTV first and get them to take off Jersey Shore?  Or Fox – they could get rid of American Idol and Glenn Beck.

Jesus, Mr. Lee.  I was with you on the froggies and the pollution and over-population stuff…but you lost me because you’re…you know…fucking insane.

Assho-Cinco

"OMG, look at my dumb hat. Check out my dumb fake name. LOL. Does everyone see me? :)"

Ok, let’s get this straight.

One of the coolest professions imaginable is professional athlete.  You may not agree, and that’s a perfectly acceptable opinion to hold, but I think, objectively speaking, that job is about as good as it gets.

One of the least cool jobs in the world, maybe the least cool job ever is reality TV show “star”.

That said, let’s look at Chad Johnson – I mean, Chad Ochocinco, wide receiver from the Cincinnati Bengals – who legally changed his last name to his jersey number, sort of.  His number is eighty-five, but in Spanish that would be “ochenta y cinco”, so his name means eightfive which is sort of nothing.

This guy is a bigger attention whore than Snooki from Jersey Shore.

The NFL has fined Johnson (I’m not saying Ochocinco) $25,000 for Tweeting twice during his team’s preseason game this past weekend against the Philadelphia Eagles, which as Chad Johnson knows is against league policy.

It’s also against any standard of good taste.  Chad Johnson loves the attention, I get it.  But it is so fucking dorky to be Tweeting like that.  I mean, dude is an NFL superstar.  He’s one of the most dynamic players in the game, or at least has been at times, and all he really wants to be is an attention whore reality TV “star”.

That is just about as lame as it gets.

Senile

Hey little girl. Come party with Grandpa.

John McCain has completely lost it.

I thought it was bad when he picked Sarah Palin to run for vice president.  That was crazy.

More recently, he tried to claim that he had never thought of himself as a maverick.  That’s clear evidence of McCain losing his grip on reality.

Well, he’s completely off the rocker now.

In a radio interview yesterday, McCain said and then repeated that Jersey Shore’s orange oompa-loompa, Snooki, was “too good looking to go to jail”.

I’m pretty sure there’s no place that Snooki is too good looking to go.  She could pretty much go into any situation anywhere and most of the guys there would be like, “eh…”.

McCain used to be a bad pilot with intense political ambition and a wealth of perceived integrity.  Now he’s just a crazy old nut job / dirty old man.  I mean, let’s be realistic.  He didn’t pick Palin for her ability to see Vladimir Putin from her panic room.

And this is coming from a guy who has had to go so far to the political right that he’s basically in favor of putting every Mexican in the world in jail.

So Snooki had better be careful with the tanning.

With McCain’s blossoming insanity, I’d give it about a year before he believes she’s Mexican too.