There’s an app for that.

Recently, the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval to an iPhone app called Confession.

The application takes you through the steps of preparing to confess all your sins to your local Catholic priest.

It gives you a “customized examination of conscience” based on things like your age, sex, marital status, and vocation.  But as you might guess, no matter what your answers to those questions are, it always tells you you’re sinning if the question regards sex in any way, or meat on Friday afternoons.  The version I tried out seems glitchy actually.  It kept leading me to a black screen with a beautifully artistic rendering of Satan and the words, “straight to hell”.  I assume I’m not passing Go(d) or collecting two hundred dollars.  For the record, Satan is always scarier when he looks really well conceived.  Wishy-washy cartoony versions of Satan just don’t do the trick.

Not scary enough.It breaks down the different sins and even allows you to add your own if they’re not listed.  For instance, Catholic priests will probably find it extremely useful to add “child molestation” to the app, since it will make it possible for them to still pretend they’re going to heaven while allowing them to not actually admit it out loud.

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Heck of a Job, Pope-y

The pope’s unfavorable rating has reached an all-time high, according to the latest USAToday/Gallup Poll.

And astounding 35% of adults view the current pope negatively.  (I’m guessing it’s 100% of children.)

Using simple math, that means that 65% of the adults in American are going straight to the fucking inferno.

I actually find it hilarious that the pope has an favorable/unfavorable rating.  What difference is that knowledge going to make? Like, who the hell cares?

Certainly not the Vatican.

You don’t go around calling some guy the embodiment of god on Earth if you’re going to be worried what a few measly American polls say.

No matter how many child rapes he covers up.

Against Church Policy?

This is yesterday’s headline from the New York Times.

The article is about the Pope covering up for a priest who molested 200 deaf boys.

It’s truly sickening.  I’ve gone over this stuff before, so check the archives.

The amazing part to me is…

…isn’t it the Catholic Church’s policy to “defrock” as many males as possible?  I’m surprised the Pope passed on this great opportunity.

Ghostbuster, Part II

The Vatican’s exorcist is at it again.

With new reports on the European Catholic Church’s cover-up of decades-old child abuse popping up nearly every day, Rev. Gabriele Amorth is certain that he knows the cause.  I mean, obviously it’s the devil.  He says we shouldn’t be surprised that the devil tempts those in the Vatican.  Apparently, “following” “the word of God” doesn’t in any way protect you from the many temptations of the devil, particularly when those little boys were totally asking for it.

While Amorth says that he’s performed exorcisms on those “molested by the devil”, he’s never done an exorcism on a pedophile because they aren’t possessed by the devil, merely “tempted” by him.


He has never done an exorcism on a child molester, he said.

“I have carried out exorcisms on some priests who had been molested by the devil,” he said, without going into details.

“But cases of pedophilia exorcised, no. … Pedophiles are not possessed by the devil, they are tempted by the devil,” he said.

“They don’t need exorcism, they need to be converted, to be converted to God, that’s what they need. They need to confess, they need true penitence, true repentance, that’s what they need. They’re not possessed.”

But no one is too strong a believer to be possessed, Amorth said.

“Nothing occurs without the permission of God, and he allows even holy people, even saints, to be possessed by the devil,” he said.

But, he added, he sees no evil in the Vatican today:

“I just see good people in the Vatican. People of prayer, holy people, I don’t see any evil.”


Well, I see some old weirdos in serious denial.

He’s saying he sees no evil in the Vatican?  Everything happens with God’s permission?  Again, the excuse (and it is an excuse) is the devil exercising control over otherwise completely moral and sane people.  Yeah, right.

As this scandal creeps ever closer to the Pope, how long is it going to be that society puts up with the Catholic Church?  Already, abuse claims have risen up in the Pope’s former diocese – even against his own brother.  But, naturally, someone else has taken the fall for the cover-up.

The systematic cover-up of molestation, violence, and any variety of child abuse is disgusting no matter what you believe.  And unfortunately, it’s the Church’s own infrastructure that provides the venue for this abuse and the immunity to proper punishment and responsibility.


The Vatican’s “Chief Exorcist” (since they can make up whatever they want), Father Gabriele Amorth, has declared that the devil – you know, Satan, the red guy, with the horns and hoofs – has made his way into the Vatican and is to blame for all of the various evils that the Church has perpetrated in recent years.

Amorth has been the Chief Exorcist for 25 years and has claimed to have handled 70,000 cases of demonic possession.  Even if he was practicing for 25 years before his Chief role, that’s 1,400 possessions a year.  That’s almost 4 demons a day, every day, for 25 years!!  Most of us will never see a single possessed person for as long as we live (because it’s not real…shhh!) but Father Amorth sees 4 every single day!

Exorcisms!!  This stuff makes me laugh so hard.  Here you have an 85-year-old man who has devoted his life to ridding people and places of the demons who have possessed them.  You know, because they couldn’t just be weird or bad people.

Father Amorth says that Satan’s presence inside the Vatican has resulted in:

– Power struggles within the Church

– Violence and pedophelia

– The Church’s cover-ups of murders and other crimes

That makes sense.  Those totally aren’t things that people of ill intention just do on their own.  It must be demonic possession.

He also holds Satan responsible for Cardinals who no longer believe in Jesus, because it certainly wasn’t having to hang out at the Vatican with guys like Amorth who are flat-out insane that shook their faith…or god forbid, rational thought.

He also blames demonic possession for the behavior of Stalin and Hitler.  Because they were such great guys otherwise!  It was just the demons!

Amorth claims that the devil sometimes assumes different personalities and transformations, all while being “pure spirit, invisible”.  He says that sometimes the devil makes fun of him.

I guess I’m making fun of him too.  So maybe that means I’m the devil.

Or maybe it’s time that the Vatican jump into the 21st century and stop pretending that evil spirits are to blame for all the evils in the world.

A whack-job 85-year-old guy reading magical ceremonies to angry people is doing nothing to admit or correct the litany of problems facing the Catholic Church.

But it does make for a hysterical read.

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P.S. – I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.