Palpitations

My heart beats harder
When my subconscious dreams your name
Out of my chest
When I think of touching yours
And I can’t forget how your mouth tastes
When you want me
I’m not sure you’ve stopped
But the silence
Blankets me like
The sheets I’ve washed
One thousand times
Since they last heard your name
I’ve lost my sense of moderation
And I’m only seeing shapes
With thick black outlines
That seem enough like you
If I cross my eyes and
Twist my tongue
Because this is going to end
One way or another
When it does
I hope no one says I didn’t know
That these things
Don’t always mean nothing
And I know I’m taking chances
Abandon defenses
To trust that a faint
Hint of your breath
Moving slightly closer
Sustains me.

Canyon

I am the canyon
Faithful companion
To all you felt like letting go
Formed by years
Of your river cutting through me
I am the rough and jagged walls
Staring in abyss
As the cards fall where they may
We built our house with them
And you, casting them away
And calling spades
Folding origami shapes
And paper planes
With the king of hearts
Speeding into nothing
Sacrificed for jokers
The only queen in the deck
Does as she chooses
Everything thrown away stays
In the canyon
As the void and everything around it
All the empty space
Is shaped exactly like you.

Animal

I need to see you to feel
Because without feeling
What makes me human
Except the ability
To reason away everything
You said and did?

To steal my sensibilities
And senses
All that exists within a void
Is more void

And the lack leaves me unbound
To anything but selfish instinct
Use, fuck, destroy
Poison everything
Giving in
To this desire
I want to watch you cry again

Your eyelids shutter
Like dragonfly wings
And flicker
As the spark dies
In your dim
Translucent eyes
Distracting your façade
The cracks are showing
And what’s behind was
Never pretty
Never bound to reality
Desperate and deluded
Confused about
The difference between
Getting better
And escaping altogether

I want to watch you cry again
To know that
Some spark
Of real emotion
Exists
Beyond what you show.

I want to watch you cry again
As a bookend
To the guilt that you should feel

Because I paid the price
For this love
A thousand times over
And I’m deeply in debt

I want to watch you cry again
To validate
A total waste of time

I want to watch you cry again
Not because you deserve it
But because I do.

Bastard

Stick your meat hooks
Through my temples
And hang me from my brain
It’s dried up and useless
And long since gone insane
For I’m the bastard child
Of Love and Reason
Who never found
Chance to marry
Instead committing moral treason
Shouting vows they couldn’t carry
Beyond loss
Beyond purpose
Beyond hope
Everything becomes a blurry
And washed up fiction
We skimmed so many times before
Waiting for a day
That words jump off the page
And beat you senseless
Until the dissolution
Takes shape
In this Rorschach disaster
I see butterflies
I see dragons
I see swords bending toward my neck
Cutting from my shoulder
Through my spine and ribs
So sharp that I look the same
Just bleeding and lifeless
And messy on your bedroom floor
Because if every decision
You ever make turns out wrong
And everything you tried to do
And failed
Turns out to be important
Then the deftest focus
Becomes as dull as the words
Filling pages upon pages
Written for you
Hoping to haunt your next day
Enough to make you turn around
And start again.

Slave

I am a slave
To my job
To my life
To everything I own
To my brain
To every sinister thought it makes me know

I am a slave
To a used BMW
And two flat screen TV’s
I’m a slave to the plan
Of what I think I should be

I am a slave
To every insecurity
You could ever attribute
To a well rounded person
Who seems happy enough
And oh,
I hope you know me
I’m not the king of Hollywood
I’m not a jester in the court
Or a resource for advancement
That you thought you could extort

I am a slave
To my debts
To my doubts
To my…
What’s the opposite of inhibition?
I am a slave to insecurity
Just like you
I’m a slave to every fear
You had and conquered
It’s the master in command
I’m the bleeding and un-bandaged
Balanced in your hand

I am a slave
To the way your fingers
Tap the plastic in your purse
On a whim
Or from anger
Or whatever makes you act

I am a slave
To everything I think of you
The desolation bequeathed to me
In each unanswered letter
That you took for gamesmanship
I am a god
I am a saint
I am a damn good guy
That can hold his drink
And drive home alone.