God Dammit!

God dammit!

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson gave me, and all other Steelers fans, a gift yesterday in the form of a dropped touchdown pass in overtime.  Instead of celebrating the winning score, the Bills offense was unable to get the job done and the Steelers drove for the winning field goal.

Johnson’s drop was unquestionably one of the worst plays of the season, and even though it allowed the Steelers to win, I honestly felt bad for the guy.

Apparently not as bad as he feels for himself though.

And now he’s given me another gift in the form of one of the most hilarious Tweets I’ve ever seen.

After the game yesterday, Johnson found himself searching for answers and relayed this on his Twitter account:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…

Throughout the history of sports, athletes have always attributed their talents, their accomplishments, and their victories to god.  They blather on at length about it in postgame interviews.  It’s more cliche than even the tried and true  “we’re just taking it a game at a time”.

But this is the first time, to my knowledge, that an athlete has actually stayed logically (if not intelligently) consistent and put the blame on god for a dropped touchdown pass.

So, Stevie, if you’re not sure what you’re expected to learn from this, I’ll tell you. Continue reading

Throw(them)Back(on)

1000 times better.

Every decade or so, a few teams in the NFL decide to “update” their jerseys.  They want to make a marketing splash, or maybe change the team’s image.

And almost every time, they end up looking ridiculous.

It’s like how Ford keeps trying to make a cool new Mustang that captures the essence of its old Mustangs, but just modernized for today’s consumer, without realizing that the only people who are going to buy them are strippers and midlife crisis guys.

This was especially big throughout the 90’s.  I can imagine the conversations in all the team headquarters.  They just felt like they had their fingers on the pulse of a trend…like how everyone in the 80’s thought electronic drums and the key-tar were definitely the future of music.

Continue reading

Zoot Suit Riot

Excuse me, tailor, can you put four pockets on this picnic blanket?

The man in the middle is Deion Sanders, aka “Primetime”, aka “Neon Deion”.

After a stellar career as an NFL defensive back, while amazingly playing Major League Baseball as well, Deion has gone on to a long career as an NFL television analyst.

He’s 43 years old.

And he dresses like a complete jackass, still.

Like, Deion is just sitting there thinking, “I’m going on national television, where is my beige and yellow checkered zoot suit?  Yeah, the one with the four pockets on the right side (only two on the left).  Yeah, I think I’m going to do the yellow shirt underneath.”

Deion is dressed so absurdly that Michael Irvin, the man on the right side, looks like he’s dressed normally even though his suit is ridiculous by normal standards and he looks like he’s going to blast off.  Irvin used to set the standard for how ugly a suit can be for a television appearance.

Honestly, what is going through their heads?  It’s not “flashy”.  It’s not a fashion statement.

Fix it, Deion.  You look like a fucking jackass.

(But you were still the shit as a player.)

P.S.  I don’t know how I caught this picture with the heading, “What did we learn in week 1?”.  That was totally unintentional.  But hopefully Deion learned not to wear anything this ridiculous again.

Assho-Cinco

"OMG, look at my dumb hat. Check out my dumb fake name. LOL. Does everyone see me? :)"

Ok, let’s get this straight.

One of the coolest professions imaginable is professional athlete.  You may not agree, and that’s a perfectly acceptable opinion to hold, but I think, objectively speaking, that job is about as good as it gets.

One of the least cool jobs in the world, maybe the least cool job ever is reality TV show “star”.

That said, let’s look at Chad Johnson – I mean, Chad Ochocinco, wide receiver from the Cincinnati Bengals – who legally changed his last name to his jersey number, sort of.  His number is eighty-five, but in Spanish that would be “ochenta y cinco”, so his name means eightfive which is sort of nothing.

This guy is a bigger attention whore than Snooki from Jersey Shore.

The NFL has fined Johnson (I’m not saying Ochocinco) $25,000 for Tweeting twice during his team’s preseason game this past weekend against the Philadelphia Eagles, which as Chad Johnson knows is against league policy.

It’s also against any standard of good taste.  Chad Johnson loves the attention, I get it.  But it is so fucking dorky to be Tweeting like that.  I mean, dude is an NFL superstar.  He’s one of the most dynamic players in the game, or at least has been at times, and all he really wants to be is an attention whore reality TV “star”.

That is just about as lame as it gets.

Settle Down

Overboard. Always.

Hey, referees, settle the fuck down.  Seriously.

Referees in the NBA and baseball umpires are completely out of hand.  The only reason a man should ever be that flamboyant and dramatic is if they’re trying to win a Tony Award or if they’re on a float in a pride parade.

Refs are supposed to be impartial, indifferent, and dispassionate judges of the game conduct to ensure fairness in their sports and the safety of the players.  In the NFL and the NHL they do this very professionally.

In baseball, they do it ridiculously, and in the NBA it’s a downright charade.

Umpires in baseball watch a ball go over the middle of the plate at a certain height and that is a strike.  They are supposed to stick their finger out to the right to indicate that.  After three of those, they give the “out” sign.  But that’s not what happens.  Most of them make some absurd cry of “strike!” that sounds nothing like the actual word “strike”.  It sounds more an attack cry from a Kung Fu movie.  “Heeeeeraaayyyyyyeaaaaahhhkkkkk”.  God forbid there’s a close play at the plate.  That calls for jumping up and down and screaming and pointing and dramatically waiting to make a triumphant signal so that the whole stadium waits with baited breath for their high and mighty call.  Oh, and they’re also wrong so much.  A computer could honestly do a much better job of calling balls and strikes.

NBA referees take the cake though.  Most of them make a career out of making the games all about them.  Their calls are so overly exaggerated and they will literally punish players who have argued calls when really all they’re supposed to do is blow a whistle and say “your foot was on the line” or “hey, don’t touch that man like that”.  It’s like they want to be part of the outcome of the game.

That would be like going to court for a traffic ticket and the judge hearing from you and the police officer, deciding you are in fact guilty, and then screaming, “You are a scourge on society.  You make me sick you fucking weasel!  Human waste like you shouldn’t be allowed on the road and you’re lucky I can only impose a fine!  Otherwise I would have you in solitary confinement!”

“Like, uh, I just forgot to use my turn signal.”

So just settle down, referees.  You look ridiculous and you’re harming the game.  For real.  It’s really embarrassing.  Especially when you’re punishing players for disagreeing with you.  You look like spoiled children.