The Sanctity of Marriage

For as long as we both shall live...or 72 days, whichever comes first.

Who would’ve guessed it?  These two idiots are getting divorced.  Some people even care.

After 72 whole days of what was very likely the most intolerable marriage of all time, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian have filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences – possibly that she realized he didn’t currently have a job because of the NBA lockout or that he’s half white.

Between the wedding ring ($2MM) and the wedding itself, the costs of which are estimated between $10MM and $20MM, the Kardashian/Humphries marriage was a waste of somewhere between $167,000 and $306,000 per day.  That’s more than about 98% of Americans earn in a year.

It’s reported that neither the couple nor their families kicked down a dime for the wedding costs and that Humphries bought the ring on a substantial discount.  It’s also reported that they raked in around $17.9MM for the photo rights and the airing of the 4-hour long E! special documenting their “special day”.

This all being true, it’s hard to look at the marriage (her second) as anything more than a massive publicity stunt…a business deal.  Conservatives should be happy about it.  The free market decided that photos in People Magazine and an excruciating 4-hour long reality show are marriage the way god intended it, between a man and a woman and a bank account.

But with their logic, why would anyone even bother getting married without a profit motive?  Oh wait, that’s how marriage started!  But thank goodness that a few centuries ago god changed the definition to include only men and women – and only for the purposes of love and child bearing.  It definitely can’t be about money or tax incentives.  They wouldn’t give tax breaks to married couples, would they?

And what about marriages for U.S. citizenship?  That happens all the time.  But as long as it’s between a man and woman and not some homo heathens, it’s fine.

Let’s just make sure that no homosexual American citizens are allowed to marry for love and happiness.  That will definitely destroy the sanctity of marriage.  And then for Halloween your trick-or-treating kids will wander over to their house where the gay married couple will be dressed in bondage costumes and before you know it your strapping young son is listening to Barbara Streisand and thinking constantly about blowjobs.

Can we all just stop pretending that there’s any “sanctity” in marriage?  I’m not saying there’s no sanctity in individual marriages, there can be…and should be!  But with publicity stunt marriages, citizenship marriages, an astronomical divorce rate (which is higher in the reddest red states), and plenty of infidelity to go around, how can anyone argue that there is any sanctity at all in the institution of marriage?

I want to see an illegal Mexican immigrant get gay married for his green card.  That would make a Republican’s head explode.

Settle Down

Overboard. Always.

Hey, referees, settle the fuck down.  Seriously.

Referees in the NBA and baseball umpires are completely out of hand.  The only reason a man should ever be that flamboyant and dramatic is if they’re trying to win a Tony Award or if they’re on a float in a pride parade.

Refs are supposed to be impartial, indifferent, and dispassionate judges of the game conduct to ensure fairness in their sports and the safety of the players.  In the NFL and the NHL they do this very professionally.

In baseball, they do it ridiculously, and in the NBA it’s a downright charade.

Umpires in baseball watch a ball go over the middle of the plate at a certain height and that is a strike.  They are supposed to stick their finger out to the right to indicate that.  After three of those, they give the “out” sign.  But that’s not what happens.  Most of them make some absurd cry of “strike!” that sounds nothing like the actual word “strike”.  It sounds more an attack cry from a Kung Fu movie.  “Heeeeeraaayyyyyyeaaaaahhhkkkkk”.  God forbid there’s a close play at the plate.  That calls for jumping up and down and screaming and pointing and dramatically waiting to make a triumphant signal so that the whole stadium waits with baited breath for their high and mighty call.  Oh, and they’re also wrong so much.  A computer could honestly do a much better job of calling balls and strikes.

NBA referees take the cake though.  Most of them make a career out of making the games all about them.  Their calls are so overly exaggerated and they will literally punish players who have argued calls when really all they’re supposed to do is blow a whistle and say “your foot was on the line” or “hey, don’t touch that man like that”.  It’s like they want to be part of the outcome of the game.

That would be like going to court for a traffic ticket and the judge hearing from you and the police officer, deciding you are in fact guilty, and then screaming, “You are a scourge on society.  You make me sick you fucking weasel!  Human waste like you shouldn’t be allowed on the road and you’re lucky I can only impose a fine!  Otherwise I would have you in solitary confinement!”

“Like, uh, I just forgot to use my turn signal.”

So just settle down, referees.  You look ridiculous and you’re harming the game.  For real.  It’s really embarrassing.  Especially when you’re punishing players for disagreeing with you.  You look like spoiled children.

How?

I’m amazed these things keep happening, but somehow they do.

This huge person is Shaun Rogers.  He’s a defensive lineman for the Cleveland Browns.  I had to use this picture because it’s funny, but he’s not on the Lions anymore.

Anyway, Mr. Rogers was returning to his neighborhood in Texas from a week of offseason workouts in Cleveland.  All was going just fine until his carry-on luggage went through the TSA screening and revealed a loaded .45 caliber gun.

Apparently, Mr. Rogers told police that he “forgot” the gun was in there.  Usually his bags are full of cardigan sweaters and imaginary friends, you would think.

How does any professional athlete still make these mistakes?  It’s honestly unfathomable to me.  Shaun Rogers isn’t a scrub.  He’s a three time Pro Bowler with a contract that he’s already made $20 million on.  He could easily hire a full time security guard to go everywhere with him.  It’s not like people are looking to mug a 350 lb guy on a regular basis.  Shaun Rogers just doesn’t need a gun, much less a .45, much less on a plane, much less concealed in his bag.

And you simply cannot be so dumb as to just forget.  It’s not okay.

Only a few months back, NBA star Gilbert Arenas lost the rest of his season on a suspension due to Arenas bringing a gun to the stadium.  Former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress is in jail for accidentally shooting himself in the leg at a nightclub.

They don’t even allow you to bring water bottles on to planes and the dude brings a loaded .45 caliber!

That’s not going to get through security, even if you put it in a plastic baggie.

Someone’s Got Identity Issues

Agent Zero's Golden Gun

Hey, Gilbert Arenas, I know people call you “Agent Zero”, but that doesn’t make you James Bond.

Photos of Gilbert’s guns have been released.  This is one of them.

No shit.

Agent Zero has a Golden Gun.

If you’re unaware of the reference, there was a James Bond movie in the 70’s called “The Man With the Golden Gun”.  The Golden Gun came back to popularity in the late-90’s with the Nintendo 64’s GoldenEye 007.  If you’re a guy over the age of 25, you know what I’m talking about.

Of course, if you’re a guy over 10 years old, you would realize that buying a real Golden Gun and then taking that gun to work with you as an NBA basketball player in fucking ridiculous.

Not to mention putting stripes on it.