The Sanctity of Marriage

For as long as we both shall live...or 72 days, whichever comes first.

Who would’ve guessed it?  These two idiots are getting divorced.  Some people even care.

After 72 whole days of what was very likely the most intolerable marriage of all time, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian have filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences – possibly that she realized he didn’t currently have a job because of the NBA lockout or that he’s half white.

Between the wedding ring ($2MM) and the wedding itself, the costs of which are estimated between $10MM and $20MM, the Kardashian/Humphries marriage was a waste of somewhere between $167,000 and $306,000 per day.  That’s more than about 98% of Americans earn in a year.

It’s reported that neither the couple nor their families kicked down a dime for the wedding costs and that Humphries bought the ring on a substantial discount.  It’s also reported that they raked in around $17.9MM for the photo rights and the airing of the 4-hour long E! special documenting their “special day”.

This all being true, it’s hard to look at the marriage (her second) as anything more than a massive publicity stunt…a business deal.  Conservatives should be happy about it.  The free market decided that photos in People Magazine and an excruciating 4-hour long reality show are marriage the way god intended it, between a man and a woman and a bank account.

But with their logic, why would anyone even bother getting married without a profit motive?  Oh wait, that’s how marriage started!  But thank goodness that a few centuries ago god changed the definition to include only men and women – and only for the purposes of love and child bearing.  It definitely can’t be about money or tax incentives.  They wouldn’t give tax breaks to married couples, would they?

And what about marriages for U.S. citizenship?  That happens all the time.  But as long as it’s between a man and woman and not some homo heathens, it’s fine.

Let’s just make sure that no homosexual American citizens are allowed to marry for love and happiness.  That will definitely destroy the sanctity of marriage.  And then for Halloween your trick-or-treating kids will wander over to their house where the gay married couple will be dressed in bondage costumes and before you know it your strapping young son is listening to Barbara Streisand and thinking constantly about blowjobs.

Can we all just stop pretending that there’s any “sanctity” in marriage?  I’m not saying there’s no sanctity in individual marriages, there can be…and should be!  But with publicity stunt marriages, citizenship marriages, an astronomical divorce rate (which is higher in the reddest red states), and plenty of infidelity to go around, how can anyone argue that there is any sanctity at all in the institution of marriage?

I want to see an illegal Mexican immigrant get gay married for his green card.  That would make a Republican’s head explode.


Hey little girl. Come party with Grandpa.

John McCain has completely lost it.

I thought it was bad when he picked Sarah Palin to run for vice president.  That was crazy.

More recently, he tried to claim that he had never thought of himself as a maverick.  That’s clear evidence of McCain losing his grip on reality.

Well, he’s completely off the rocker now.

In a radio interview yesterday, McCain said and then repeated that Jersey Shore’s orange oompa-loompa, Snooki, was “too good looking to go to jail”.

I’m pretty sure there’s no place that Snooki is too good looking to go.  She could pretty much go into any situation anywhere and most of the guys there would be like, “eh…”.

McCain used to be a bad pilot with intense political ambition and a wealth of perceived integrity.  Now he’s just a crazy old nut job / dirty old man.  I mean, let’s be realistic.  He didn’t pick Palin for her ability to see Vladimir Putin from her panic room.

And this is coming from a guy who has had to go so far to the political right that he’s basically in favor of putting every Mexican in the world in jail.

So Snooki had better be careful with the tanning.

With McCain’s blossoming insanity, I’d give it about a year before he believes she’s Mexican too.

Double-O Siete


So the US just caught a bunch of Russian spies.

That’s so 1983.

I mean, come on Russians.  Be a little more creative.  America has even changed its enemies in Bond movies.

No one believes in Russian spies anymore.  Is that how you tricked us?  Have the spies been writing our action movies?

Give me a Mexican spy.

We would never see that coming.

Although now that I say it, I instantly feel more suspicious of the gardeners on my rooftop.