You Eat McDonald’s. Every Day.

mcrib

Just fuckin’ eat me.

You eat McDonald’s.  Every single day.

I bet you didn’t realize it, but it’s true, I promise you.  Just today you ate a McRib for breakfast.  And the McRib isn’t even in season!  Mmm…rib season.

Today, within ten minutes of getting up, making some coffee…

(Oh, no!  Caffeine!  You’re Satan, caffeine!  We should all just drink green tea instead and then listen to our Eckhart Tolle tapes. Oh wait, that’s not Eckhart Tolle, that’s the computerized Apple Talk voice telling me to eat a McRib.  They sound the same.  Eckhart Tolle is the reason I ate a McRib!)

…anyway.  Coffee.  Yeah, I made some.  Then I poured it in a funny souvenir coffee cup that my brother brought back from Cabo San Lucas.  It has a joke on it that some overly P.C. shithead would be offended by, but really, it’s not remotely offensive.

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The McRib is Food? I Mean, Back?

Almost sort of just like real food.

The McRib is back, huh, McDonald’s?

You don’t say.  Hallelujah!  We’re saved.

I didn’t think I could make it through another day without eating a ground pork patty shaped to look like actual ribs covered with barbecue sauce and gently placed inside a roll.

There’s nothing like driving to your local fast food restaurant to devour some precooked, frozen, and reheated ground pork.  I’d do it every day at home if it wasn’t so much better to have it prepared and handed to me by a fast food worker.

The fact that McDonald’s shapes the ground pork patty to look like actual ribs is just creepy.

McDonald’s makes the sandwich available only for “a limited time” to trick Americans into believing that the ability to go purchase a McRib is a rare treat.  And of course, they fall for it.  I would bet my life that there were people in the United States who had November 2nd circled on their calendars with “McRib!” written in Sharpie.

You all know you can just go get ribs any time of year if you’re craving ribs, right?

Ah, yes…but fake ribs are only available sometimes.

If you’re thinking of going to get a McRib, here’s a little test to know whether or not you should eat one.

Are you a human?

Yes?

Then, no.  Don’t eat a McRib.

Sub-Standard

Wendy’s new slogan is “You know when it’s real”.

They brag about using “real” ingredients.

I mean, I know it’s fast food, but has it really come to this?  How low can our standards go?

And if Wendy’s is the place with the real ingredients, what the fuck are they serving at McDonald’s?

It’s also a little confusing that if I know when it’s real, like they say, why can’t I tell that it’s fake anywhere else?

Fat Ass

Gross

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen…and it comes from New Jersey.  Does everything shitty come from New Jersey?  Every time I hear someone say anything about the orange retards on Jersey Shore, I feel like the answer is ‘yes’.  Sorry, Jersey.

According to the New York Post, Jersey resident, Donna Simpson, is trying to become a 1,000 pound woman.  She says it’s a “fantasy”.  She’s only at a supremely disgusting 604 right now.

So what’s stopping her from packing on another 400 lbs. of unadulteratedly repulsive lard?  Oh, just the fact that she has a 3-year-old daughter and she’s “trying to run a household”.  I guess she’s too busy setting good examples for her daughter to take time out for those extra 17 milkshakes.

She’s already submitted applications to the record books to be named the largest living woman.  Since you’re probably wondering, the largest woman ever weighed a stunningly putrid 1,199 pounds, according to the article.

One has to assume that this “goal” is the way to overcompensate for a truly terrible self-image combined with the inability to kick totally unhealthy habits.  Even if I’m just an asshole and she really loves herself (impossible) it’s still just fucking gross.

By the way, big thanks to all the talk shows that have convinced women like this that there is something beautiful about being this fat.  (Please note that I am not advocating any sort of eating disorder, anorexia, or negative body image…that’s bad too.)  Reinforcing unhealthy and unseemly habits isn’t helping anyone.  The acceptance just becomes the panacea for the guilt and negative feelings associated with treating oneself so poorly.  They’re not helping anyone.

Let me state for the record that BBW (big beautiful woman) is an oxymoron.  If you want proof, ask any of those women if they’d prefer to be at their ideal body weight, if they could just snap their fingers and make it so.  They’ll either say “yes” or be lying.  Period.

The article claims that her eating habit costs her $750 a week.  Some of you are probably thinking, “well, that’s $107 per day…I could spend that.”  Yeah, because you like expensive restaurants.  That picture right there?  That’s her with McDonald’s food.  Do you know how much shit you’d have to eat to spend $107 in a day at McDonald’s?

Apparently, she helps pay for nauseating self-inflation by doing webcam shows of her eating.  People pay to watch her eat.  That’s gross.  She also has a 150 lb. boyfriend who actually wants to see her get fatter.  She calls him a “belly man”.  That’s also gross.

Now there’s someone reading this thinking I’m a terrible person and that maybe he loves her and maybe she’s a good mom and blah, blah, blah.  But you’re wrong.

I will agree with this though, there are people out there who really are into tremendously, disgustingly fat chicks.  They’re called fetishists.