Magic Carpet Ride

There is nothing going on in the world that has made me nearly as giddy as the Rapture that is supposed to be happening tomorrow. It is so hysterically funny that I’ve thought about it all day long and enjoyed every second of it.

Crazy person and church (cult) leader, Harold Camping, has predicted after a long and arduous study of biblical texts that the beginning of the end of the world will happen tomorrow, May 21, 2011.

Camping scoffs at those who think the world isn’t going to end until next year based on Mayan myth, calling their beliefs a “fairy tale”.  But Camping’s date is based on hard evidence from the Bible (not a fairy tale, right?) and has interpreted that evidence with a mathematical system of analysis which he came up with himself.  Hard to argue with such legitimate data.

And this is nothing like 1994 when Camping first said the world would end.  He made a mathematical error that time.  Now he’s got his system all worked out.  So, for sure, mark it down.  Count on it.  Tomorrow, we’re fucked.

The sad part is that a lot of people actually believe the guy.  In an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle, one of his followers, Ted Solomon, 60, said, “I’m looking forward to it.  This world may have had an attraction to me at one time.  But now it’s definitely lost its appeal.”

Only a religious person could say something so incredibly dark and depressing and think that they’re actually a happy, healthy individual.  The world has lost its appeal?  Now you’re counting on a god you’ve never seen to ride down to earth on a white horse or something and take you up to a heaven you can’t even coherently describe?

And what happens if he knows what you’ve really been doing when no one is around, Ted?  You know what you did.  You goddamn sinner.

When people like Solomon stare the stark, blatant reality in the face tomorrow evening that their world is going to be exactly as it was today, what then?  Past “end times” cults have seen mass suicides after their day of reckoning never came to be.  How many people will take their lives after Camping’s bullshit prophecy fails again?

Ted Solomon seems to be one candidate at least, sadly.  Don’t do it, Ted.  Give up your faith in ridiculous fantastical ideas, not your life.

Non-believers like me relish events like this because it’s an easily falsifiable religious claim…and we thought that was an oxymoron!

It’s also fun to watch the “moderate” religious people scramble to explain how guys like Camping are interpreting the Bible improperly or that they don’t understand the difference between literal and metaphorical interpretations.  Implicit in this, of course, is that Camping is just a nut – an outsider.  His religious views are clearly mistaken, extreme, and uninformed.

And then they’ll tell us how a man who was also god was born of a virgin who was impregnated by god who was also her son and then he died and came back to life for a while and that helped everybody and also a guy put two of every species of animal on a boat to save them from a flood.

Because believing that shit is waaaaaaaay less crazy.

But wait, there’s more bright side.

If the world does indeed end tomorrow, we can be happy to know that there will never be another episode of The Jersey Shore, never another Limp Bizkit album, no more Seth Rogen movies, no more LinkedIn messages in your inbox, and never another chance to hear Sarah Palin say something stupid in that absurd accent of hers.

Just think, if Jesus comes back and takes all the Christians up to space that will probably solve so many problems!  It will definitely help with overpopulation, probably end wars, improve our environment, and give people equal rights.

Us non-believers will have so much fun.  It will be like a shopping spree on leftover houses and cars and boats and stuff.  Just think how much you can make on Ebay selling all the blinged out crosses that rappers wear!

Oh, and if you think this is all one big joke, think again.  The most recent Pew Research study found that 41% of Americans believe Jesus will come back in their lifetime or their children’s lifetimes.

So while Camping will have obviously gotten the date wrong by this time tomorrow, 4 out of 10 of your friends think essentially the same thing as that insane cult leader.

If you’re reading this and you’re not worried that the world will end tomorrow, please ask yourself why, especially if you’re religious.

The answer probably has something to do with the fact that it’s a religious person predicting the end of the world and not a team of scientists, because you can be damn sure that if the world’s top scientists were saying it was going down tomorrow, we would all be making preparations instead of a small batch of suicidal lunatics.

Interesting that your religious mind doesn’t apply the same logical methods to things like global warming and evolution, isn’t it?

Jesus is My Warden

My orange jumpsuit was meant to be.

This is Randy “Duke” Cunningham.  He used to be a Congressman.

Now he’s an inmate.

His crime?  Accepting millions of dollars in bribes from defense contractors in exchange for his political support.

That’s a reeeeeeal bad crime.  For it, he was rewarded with 100 months in prison (8 years, 4 months, for the divisionally challenged).

Duke is trying to find some redemption during his sentence and is teaching inmates, trying to help them earn their GED’s.

About his new work, Cunningham was recently quoted as saying, “Maybe that’s why God put me here.  To bring about much needed prison reform”.

Umm…so God wants you to bring about prison reform from prison, you say?  That’s a challenge.  It’s too bad you don’t have a more appropriate platform for your new cause.  Wouldn’t it be great if you could just have some real influence?  Like, as a Congressman or something?  Oh, wait.

Also, Randy, I’m fairly certain that God didn’t put you in prison.  I think it was probably your greed, your corruption, and your total lack of integrity…and oh, yeah – that little felony you committed.  I think that might be why you’re in jail.

And if there was a God out there chucking people into prisons, why wouldn’t he just skip the middle man and reform the prisons all by himself with a snap of his invisible fingers?  He could totally do that.

Or maybe Duke is just a messenger of God.  Yeah, that’s it.  And he’s in prison being persecuted.

Shit, he’s basically Jesus.

WWJD? (Who Would Jesus Do?)

I’ve wondered a lot about this question, and while Mary Magdalene was probably the first choice, if something ever went wrong and he needed a rebound, I’m thinking Facebook has the answer.

Thanks to iChurch.com, you too can get with hot, big breasted girls like this one, who also happen to love Jesus.

What’s better than finding someone to make out and pray with on the internet?  Nothing, that’s what!

And who better to exploit to make your dating site popular than Jesus?  No one!

Pervert tested, Jesus approved.

iChurch.com is the site for me!

Happy Ridiculous Day

Hey, everybody!  It’s Easter!

Find some bunnies and eggs and jelly beans!

What’s that?  I’m missing the true meaning of Easter?  Get outta here.  No…way.

Ok, so let me get this straight.  Today is the day when a guy (who is a man but also god who was born from a woman who was a virgin but impregnated by god who is also her son) came back to life after dying and being dead for three days and then he disappeared into space to live with god (who is his father but also him and the ghost of him) until he comes down to end the world in a fiery inferno?  Ok cool, got it.

That makes perfect sense.  Let’s eat ham.

In fact, let’s find some rabbits and pretend they lay eggs and then hide those eggs for other people to find.  And let’s eat a bunch of fucking candy.  Sound good?

There are so many ridiculous things that religions do, but Easter might be the most ridiculous of all of them.  If you can read all of the above and think, “yeah, that happened”, you, my friend, are fucking delusional.

But wait, we’re all, like, mature in our Christian spirituality.  I mean, sure, it’s the word of god, but it’s also, you know, a metaphor and we’re not supposed to take it literally.  Or at least not anymore because then none of us could maintain any semblance of intellectual integrity.  And I’m sure the prophets prophesied that people would know that the Bible was the literal word of god for a while and then later understand that it isn’t.  That’s got to be what those people who wrote it were intending.

And, for sure, it’s a real account of what happened.

Strange thing is that there were so many other guys who were born of a virgin and were part god and they were teachers and saviors and baptized and betrayed and were crucified and resurrected.  At least until Jesus came along.

Before Jesus there were, like, a bunch of “Pagan” “myth” “characters” that had the same story.

There were a bunch of dudes that died and came back to life.  That is, like, soooo trippy, man.

But in the 2000 years since, no one has died and come back to life a few days later.  Gods used to pop up all over the place to impregnate chicks.  They used to have sons that were born and died and reborn on the same dates.  But it totally stopped happening once Jesus came around.  And thank, well, god, because it would be super weird if there were a bunch of half-god dudes zombie-ing around.

But he died for our sins!

Nah.  That didn’t happen.  And if you get to do that and then come back to life three days later, that’s not that much of a sacrifice anyway.  I’d totally do that for the sake of all of humanity.  In fact, if you didn’t do that, you would be a huge asshole.

I think maybe I’ll just disappear to Palm Springs for a few days – you know, to redeem all of our “sins”, like eating shellfish or coveting our friends’ asses.  (Not those asses, ass.)

Even the whole Easter festival tradition was based on prior Pagan traditions revolving around the “rebirth” of seasons marked by the equinox and the beginning of spring.  The bunny, the eggs, the guy on the cross, everything.

And now it lives on as the single most ridiculous day of the year.

So if you’re celebrating Easter, don’t forget the only true and worthwhile meaning…

That you spend time with your family and friends.

Or just go ahead and have a good Sunday.

Or think about the Christian Easter story.  It’s good for laughs.

And for a good read on the Pagan roots of the Easter story, check out http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2010/apr/03/easter-pagan-symbolism