What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA)…Part Two

It’s been a while. Your Facebook page has evolved. So has how you use it. And by “evolve” I mean, gotten way, way worse.

It’s to the point where the original What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA) doesn’t come close to accounting for all of the inane shit you are (or maybe only I am?) forced to wade through on a daily basis.  So without further delay…

Last time I wrote about an epidemic level of narcissism.  I doubt much about that has changed.  It’s certainly as real and as omnipresent as ever.  But here’s the good news – and all of you who are obsessed with your self-help books and your replacement churches will love this – it’s totally not (all) your fault!  I know how much you need to hear that everything you do is wonderful…and it, like, soooooo is.  Don’t change a thing.  If other people don’t like every damn thing you do…well, you know…they’re just not positive enough.

The truth is this.  When you get attention on social media – Facebook ‘likes’, retweets, Instagram ‘likes’, cock pics on Snapchat (that’s all Snapchat is for, right?), your brain releases all the happy chemicals that it used to release when you were actually doing happy things, like laughing, or cheering, or hugging, or receiving cock pics in a text message like it was 2011.

(For the record, cock pics are never a good idea.)

And while it is completely your fault for being an attention whore who can’t survive without other people’s admiration or glowering jealousy, it’s not your fault that the chemical reaction in your brain has you addicted to repeatedly validating yourself in the face of all those ridiculously unnecessary insecurities.  So, with that said, please remember that it’s okay if you do these things.  You just suck in the eyes of everyone around you.  Even those who clicked ‘like’ on that picture of your cat.

Their last twenty ‘likes’ were on the pictures of your tits.

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What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA)

Just don't.

I suppose Facebook and Twitter are basically, by definition, mildly (or maybe strongly) narcissistic…

…and it’s absolutely true that neither of them are going anywhere anytime soon.

Narcissism – a narcissistic person: Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements); Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion; Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people.

So the question then becomes, how can you use them without seeming like a complete vapid asshole who thinks that everything they think and do during the day is somehow even remotely interesting to other people?  Well, here’s a simple list of things not to do on Facebook – especially if you live in LA.

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Formspring.me-me-ME

I’m sorry, but formspring.me sucks.  A lot.

This has to be the most self-gratifying site ever created on the internet.

Basically people just pretend to get interviewed by other people and then share those unbelievably boring questions and answers on Facebook and Twitter.  It’s probably the most attention-whorey thing ever on the internet, and that is saying a lot.

I’m honestly convinced that people are writing their own questions to themselves, just so they can blather on ad nauseum on subjects that no one really has any desire to learn about.

“Hey, what was your last acting job?”  Then a 500-word treatise on being an extra in a party scene on Entourage where they were pretending to be Turtle’s love interest (in their mind, not on film).  If someone was really interested in that, they could have just looked at the answer to the question, “What is your IMDB page?” where they would’ve seen the credit – Entourage – Girl at party (uncredited).

And how lame is it that people only feel comfortable in asking other people questions under the cloud of anonymity?

The whole site is like that awful part of a first date with a terribly boring person who says, “Why don’t you ask me something about myself?”  Oh, you know, because this isn’t an interview.  Let’s just talk like normal people.

This is leaving aside the whole thing about how high school kids are using the site to harass fellow students.  A few kids have gone so far as to commit suicide due to their depression caused in part by the way they were treated by their anonymous peers on formspring.me.

If you want to share a bunch of information with a mass of people who probably don’t give a shit, please start a blog that I won’t read.  Thank you.

Outlawed

From this day forward, you are not allowed to post a link to your IMDB page on your Facebook account (or anything else).

This is especially true if you have put up more pictures on your IMDB page than you have credits.

If you have a credit from something that no one has ever heard of from 2001 and then you’re credited with a voice over in a short film that your friend did in 2009, you’re only making yourself look ridiculous.

And while we’re at it, you should never, never, never, ever bother editing your credits to show things like, “Entourage: Girl at pool (uncredited)”.  Just don’t do it.

The only people who don’t realize what that means are your high school friends from Nebraska, and if you’re trying to impress them with your IMDB page, trust me, you’re doing this all wrong.

If you’re not from Los Angeles, you probably have no idea what this means…and that’s not a bad thing.