There’s an app for that.

Recently, the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval to an iPhone app called Confession.

The application takes you through the steps of preparing to confess all your sins to your local Catholic priest.

It gives you a “customized examination of conscience” based on things like your age, sex, marital status, and vocation.  But as you might guess, no matter what your answers to those questions are, it always tells you you’re sinning if the question regards sex in any way, or meat on Friday afternoons.  The version I tried out seems glitchy actually.  It kept leading me to a black screen with a beautifully artistic rendering of Satan and the words, “straight to hell”.  I assume I’m not passing Go(d) or collecting two hundred dollars.  For the record, Satan is always scarier when he looks really well conceived.  Wishy-washy cartoony versions of Satan just don’t do the trick.

Not scary enough.It breaks down the different sins and even allows you to add your own if they’re not listed.  For instance, Catholic priests will probably find it extremely useful to add “child molestation” to the app, since it will make it possible for them to still pretend they’re going to heaven while allowing them to not actually admit it out loud.

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God Dammit!

God dammit!

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson gave me, and all other Steelers fans, a gift yesterday in the form of a dropped touchdown pass in overtime.  Instead of celebrating the winning score, the Bills offense was unable to get the job done and the Steelers drove for the winning field goal.

Johnson’s drop was unquestionably one of the worst plays of the season, and even though it allowed the Steelers to win, I honestly felt bad for the guy.

Apparently not as bad as he feels for himself though.

And now he’s given me another gift in the form of one of the most hilarious Tweets I’ve ever seen.

After the game yesterday, Johnson found himself searching for answers and relayed this on his Twitter account:


Throughout the history of sports, athletes have always attributed their talents, their accomplishments, and their victories to god.  They blather on at length about it in postgame interviews.  It’s more cliche than even the tried and true  “we’re just taking it a game at a time”.

But this is the first time, to my knowledge, that an athlete has actually stayed logically (if not intelligently) consistent and put the blame on god for a dropped touchdown pass.

So, Stevie, if you’re not sure what you’re expected to learn from this, I’ll tell you. Continue reading

Read It…

Have you read it? No? Then shhh...

Hey Christians, this is the Bible.

Read it before you ever preach to me or anyone else about what Jesus thinks I should do.

If you, as a Christian, haven’t read the Bible from cover to cover, you have no right to ever tell someone else they should be finding Jesus or acting in any certain way based on your Christian “beliefs”.

This is particularly true when I, and most other atheists, have studied your religion more than you have, generally speaking.

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Jesus is My Warden

My orange jumpsuit was meant to be.

This is Randy “Duke” Cunningham.  He used to be a Congressman.

Now he’s an inmate.

His crime?  Accepting millions of dollars in bribes from defense contractors in exchange for his political support.

That’s a reeeeeeal bad crime.  For it, he was rewarded with 100 months in prison (8 years, 4 months, for the divisionally challenged).

Duke is trying to find some redemption during his sentence and is teaching inmates, trying to help them earn their GED’s.

About his new work, Cunningham was recently quoted as saying, “Maybe that’s why God put me here.  To bring about much needed prison reform”.

Umm…so God wants you to bring about prison reform from prison, you say?  That’s a challenge.  It’s too bad you don’t have a more appropriate platform for your new cause.  Wouldn’t it be great if you could just have some real influence?  Like, as a Congressman or something?  Oh, wait.

Also, Randy, I’m fairly certain that God didn’t put you in prison.  I think it was probably your greed, your corruption, and your total lack of integrity…and oh, yeah – that little felony you committed.  I think that might be why you’re in jail.

And if there was a God out there chucking people into prisons, why wouldn’t he just skip the middle man and reform the prisons all by himself with a snap of his invisible fingers?  He could totally do that.

Or maybe Duke is just a messenger of God.  Yeah, that’s it.  And he’s in prison being persecuted.

Shit, he’s basically Jesus.

God-Approved Workout

Worst Idea Ever.

Now you can get the body you want and worship god every day with the Body Gospel workout.

That’s right, you can learn all of the one high-intensity move made famous by gospel singers.  I like to call it the slide and clap.  And there’s a lot of the ol’ slide and clap in the Body Gospel workout.  If you do it enough though, and with enough faith, you’re sure to slim right down.  It’s almost hard to believe that there are so many out of shape gospel singers.

The Body Gospel website promises that, “At last, you can combine the power of your faith with your desire to lose weight and get fit.”  Finally!  I’ve been waiting so long for this day!

It goes on to tell you, “combine this effective program with your faith in God to transform your body and your life. With glorious music guaranteed to get you moving, every workout is a ‘party with a purpose’.”

I wonder if this exercise program works without the faith.  Maybe you’re just supposed to have faith that the workout is yielding results, even with the absence of any actual evidence.  Hmm…this is starting to sound familiar.

I’m guessing they must send you a gospel robe made out of heavy plastic or something, so you sweat uncontrollably.  That probably helps a lot.

The special bonus is that with your new Body Gospel body, you are entitled to eat all of the Blessed Sacrament you want at communion.

For real.  You can pretend to cannibalize your Lord and Savior every day if you want, because everyone knows you won’t get “eternal life” for just eating it once.  (That’s called logic.)

What’s better than a hot gospel body and eternal life?

Nothing.  That’s what.