Holy Shit

Don't let your toilet paper get dirty. Ever.

This commercial is shocking.  Offensive even.

Shitty Commercial

I watched it and for the first 28 out of 32 seconds I thought it was just advertising how terrible relationships can be when you mistakenly choose to spend the rest of your life with an anal-retentive psychopath.

But, nope.  It’s a commercial for a toilet paper cover.  That’s right.  A toilet paper cover.

Cottonelle would like to start the trend of taking your toilet paper out of the plastic cover that it was in since you brought it home from the store and placing it into a plastic cover that you actually had to purchase at the store.

I can’t even imagine the meeting where they decided people were dumb enough to do this.  I swear, this is the best indicator ever to stop dating someone.  If we’re on a date, and I’m back at your house, and I mysteriously just walk out with no explanation, and then you use the bathroom and see one of those Jonathan Adler toilet paper covers, don’t text me, just know it was your fault.

The announcer at the end of the commercial says, “Take care of your toilet paper…” as if there are evil creatures in your house destined to attack your toilet paper so violently that your beautiful Cottonelle will be degraded into public restroom style toilet paper.

Congratulations, Cottonelle.  You just found a way to do the impossible and make germaphobes more miserable and annoying.

Vaginal Art Class

I cum creativity.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

These words of incomparable wisdom are courtesy of Lady Gaga, if that is her real name (it isn’t).

This extraordinarily stupid idea was an explanation about why she didn’t have sex, relayed to Vanity Fair in a recent interview that the magazine did with Stefani.  I mean, Gaga.

(Another explanation would be because of “not hot”.)

Maybe it’s sort of like when Muhammad Ali wouldn’t have sex for the six weeks leading up to a fight, so as not to drain him of his ass-kicking life force.

And if she’s right, shouldn’t she bottle her vaginal fluids and sell them?  I mean, if that’s all it takes to make huge pop hits (besides writers, producers, dancers, record labels, and people who make the most atrociously ugly clothes in the entire world) it seems like that should be her highest selling product.

Bonus:  It’s impossible to download pirated copies of Gaga’s um…gaga(?) over the internet!

The craziest piece of information to come out of this, though, is that at some point Lady Gaga must’ve had a crazy three-way with Madonna and Cher involving full vaginal penetration.

I mean, that’s what she’s saying, right?