No “Oh, Daddy”

Go to the website if you're desperate. needs to stop with the “sexy” commercials, or whatever you call them.

They ran two or three yesterday during the Super Bowl, which costs $4-6 Million.  It has never been so expensive to look so cheap.

The commercials are always the same – race car driver Danica Patrick looking sort of good which some other “hot” chicks talking about how they’re going to do something sexy.  (Side note: Hot chicks talking to each other about how they’re going to do something sexy is almost always bullshit.)  The commercials are always shot like a low budget porno, although in fairness, that might be what they’re going for.  Then at the end it tells you to go to their website to “see what happens next”.  You know, because on the website all the hot chicks and Danica Patrick are probably going to get into some girl-on-girl group sex action!

And what’s this??  It’s “unrated”??  Wow.

I didn’t actually know there was a rating system for online commercials.  Glad to hear this one is just too hot for online ratings though.  Can’t wait to see it.

I watched it.

It was just more of the same bad humor and hot chicks in tank tops.

All the car racing dorks now have blue balls. Thanks, GoDaddy.

Terrible Song King

I'm a bad singer.

The new Burger King breakfast commercials are quite possibly the worst commercials ever made.

There are a few.  Here’s one.

They all feature a person marching around town singing a terrible song, picking up followers (have to assume they’re deaf and hungry) along the way, presumably to take them to Burger King for an average tasting breakfast.

There’s also one where a bearded idiot plays flute and sings terribly.  That one is the worst.

I don’t think there’s anyone out there who would ever go to Burger King who isn’t already aware that Burger King has breakfast…and I can’t imagine there’s anyone who would think it’s “new”.

All I know is that these commercials are making it less likely that I will ever eat breakfast at Burger King.

Might as Well Just Skip It

Wanna not learn anything?

If you’re going to go to this college, you should probably just skip college.

Your degree isn’t going to make you rich.  I don’t even think it’ll help you get a job.  It might actually hurt your chances.

“So it says here on your resume that you have an associates degree from  What was your major, Dorito crumb elimination?”

You might as well just write under the Special Skills heading, “Totally lazy and unmotivated.”

This commercial looks like it’s for a late night text dating service, not an institution of “higher” learning.

I wasn’t sure there was a way to go down from University of Phoenix online, but apparently there is.

Just Like You

The Mormon Church has launched a series of ads just in time for Mormon Mitt Romney’s upcoming presidential candidacy, trying to convince middle America that they are “normal”.

You know, like all the other religions.  Totally sensible and possible and like, true.  You know?

See, Mormons are just like everybody else.  Nothing to see here.  Nothing weird about the religion.  Except that it was created by a con artist in the 19th century, supports (supported?) plural marriage (except for women, that’s an abomination), believes in magical underwear, and doesn’t like black people (though no longer officially).  Oh yeah!  And it hates gay people too – enough to be the driving force behind the passage of Prop 8 in California in 2008 which attempted to ban gay marriage in the state.  Ah, another loving religion of peace and understanding…

Then again, with talking snakes and people living inside fish and dead people walking around, it’s not like Christianity is any better.  They have also hated blacks and gays en masse, tortured, condemned, murdered, stolen, etc…all in the name of their god.

Of course, this is always the point, and always the way religions spread and maintain themselves.  Cast off the extremists, who are also, generally speaking, those who interpret their texts literally – as in, how they were meant to be understood by the men who wrote them.  Pretend that the extreme views don’t represent the group at large, all while the moderate and normal representatives of the religion find broad acceptance, not only for themselves, but for the extremists as well.

It is the broad acceptance of moderate religious tradition that prevents us from disavowing the extreme groups – the “God Hates Fags” crowd, the killers of abortion doctors, those opposed to stem cell research – the way we should.  It’s time that as a society, we should be able to say that it doesn’t matter what stories some people (who thought the world was flat) made up a few thousand years ago.  But we can’t because that offends the “normal” people.

There is nothing good about advertising the normalcy of your religion.  While you as a Christian, or you as a Mormon may be a perfectly normal, thoughtful, intelligent, and caring person, it’s in spite of your religion, not because of it.  And while you may represent the best of the believers, you don’t represent all of them.

And if you need to put a “normal” person on television to say, “See, we’re not all nuts!” chances are, you’re mostly nuts.  You’re supposed to be normal!

I would probably be more convinced if the Mormons just said, “Hey, you know Christianity is really crazy too right?”  Or, “Hey, at least we’re not Scientologists!”

What the Fuck is Scott Pilgrim?

Do the people who make movie trailers now just assume that everyone has A.D.D.?

I’m not even saying they’re wrong.  Sometimes I think I have A.D.D., but even still, trailers lately are totally incomprehensible.

I literally have no idea what any of this even is.

Chris Evans being badass.

Michael Cera being a lovable dork…

…in a band.

People jumping and kicking.

Oh, is this Tron?  No?  Ok, what else.

Dude with no pupils who looks scary.

Dude flying through wall.  Could be aforementioned lovable dork.

Jason Schwartzman being so Jason Schwartzman, although this time in a white suit.

Fire-sword jump-kick.

Blue haired chick.

Teenage (possibly?) unrequited love.

Hands: holding.

Flying through space at a door.

Swing set.

Make out.

Weird run with GI Joe hands.

Chris Evans back to kick more ass.

Asian chick with too much energy.

And the whole time we go through a Rolling Stone review where the magazine – undoubtedly Peter Travers, who loves everything – calls it one of the best movies of the year…but then again, it’s Peter Travers, so what movie isn’t?

They’re all five stars!  It’s like the Little League baseball of movie reviews.  Who’s keeping score?  Not me.  Loooooved it!  Man, I don’t know what Peter Travers sounds like but I hope he’s flamboyantly gay because it’s funnier to think about him loving every movie as a flamboyantly gay man.

I must have missed something.  I wasn’t even sure that that was a movie until the Rolling Stone review said so.

They might even be right.  It might be the best movie ever.  Chris Evans was in Sunshine so he’s cool.  Jason Schwartzman was in the Darjeeling Ltd and Bored to Death and Rushmore and the theme song to The O.C. so he’s cool.

Plus, I bet that blue haired chick gives a great performance, because, let’s face it, she’s got blue hair.  Everyone knows that’s the key to being really cute/cool in a totally quirky and original way in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I guess what I’m saying is that this movie might be amazing.

I just have no fucking idea because what I saw doesn’t make any sense in any way.

So, uh…oops, movie trailer guys.

Just make a better one, k?