There’s an app for that.

Recently, the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval to an iPhone app called Confession.

The application takes you through the steps of preparing to confess all your sins to your local Catholic priest.

It gives you a “customized examination of conscience” based on things like your age, sex, marital status, and vocation.  But as you might guess, no matter what your answers to those questions are, it always tells you you’re sinning if the question regards sex in any way, or meat on Friday afternoons.  The version I tried out seems glitchy actually.  It kept leading me to a black screen with a beautifully artistic rendering of Satan and the words, “straight to hell”.  I assume I’m not passing Go(d) or collecting two hundred dollars.  For the record, Satan is always scarier when he looks really well conceived.  Wishy-washy cartoony versions of Satan just don’t do the trick.

Not scary enough.It breaks down the different sins and even allows you to add your own if they’re not listed.  For instance, Catholic priests will probably find it extremely useful to add “child molestation” to the app, since it will make it possible for them to still pretend they’re going to heaven while allowing them to not actually admit it out loud.

Continue reading

Burn Her!

“If she weighs the same as a duck, then she’s made of wood!”

“And therefore…?”

“A witch!”

Christine O’Donnell is a Tea Party wacko who won the Republican Primary for Deleware’s upcoming Senate election in November.

She’s unquestionably outside of the mainstream on almost every issue, but guess what?  She says “freedom” and “liberty” a lot, and converted into an Evangelical Christian.  She’s 98% Palin and she’s young and pretty (enough).

On the season premiere of HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher”, Maher showed a clip of O’Donnell, who used to be a frequent guest on “Politically Incorrect”, as she detailed a date she had gone on with a “witch”.  She said she “dabbled in witchcraft”, but it kind of sounds more like she went on a date with a crazed Satan worshipper.

We could get into some details regarding “witchcraft” and how what she described clearly isn’t that, but let’s just address something else…like why people care.

I personally think it’s hilarious that Maher did this, because anything that keeps this woman out of office is a good thing, even if it’s something that shouldn’t disqualify her, like this.  And it’s definitely funny watching a woman go from being Catholic to “dabbling in witchcraft” to becoming an Evangelical, all with a straight face.  If you can change your “deeply held beliefs” that easily, then you don’t really have deeply held beliefs.

But the bottom line is that people shouldn’t care at all.

People are worried about her beliefs because she looked into witchcraft?  “Witches” believe that the moon affects the tides and crops and moods.

Christians believe in talking snakes and that some guy put two of every species on a boat to avoid a flood.

One of those sounds way crazier than the other…and the crazy one is…drum roll please…Christianity!!!

The silliest thing about this whole story is that O’Donnell has plenty of other beliefs that should be more than enough to disqualify her from being taken seriously.  She’s running for the United States Senate for fuck’s sake, not Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  If elected, she’ll be involved in debates over some of the most important issues affecting the country.  She shouldn’t be involved in a discussion about the most important issues affecting a neighborhood watch program.

Because her crazy train doesn’t only stop at the religious station.  Those beliefs play out in her policy stances across the board.

She has crazy beliefs of every variety:

O’Donnell is against stem cell research and worries about cloning.  She actually said once, “American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains. So they’re already into this experiment.”  What would it take for a normal person to believe this is true?  Mice with “fully functioning human brains”?  I doubt that I could get a ten-year-old comic book fan to believe this.

She believes that the United States is a socialist economy.

In 2006 she claimed that she heard “the audible voice of God”.  Either she doesn’t know what the word “audible” means, or maybe she’s confused about a different word in that sentence, because otherwise she’s just fucking nuts.  We’re going to have a Senator that hears voices?  I’ll pass.

O’Donnell believes that evolution is just a “theory” and that creationism should be taught in schools.

She believes that masturbation is adultery, because it requires lust in your heart, and because she’s crazy.

It doesn’t take claims of witch craft to think this woman is nuts and unfit for office.

But it does take some people who are (literally) “holier than thou” to think that their crazy religious beliefs are somehow better than hers.

Just Get It Already

It’s almost impossible to believe that the craziest thing in this picture isn’t the hat, but it’s true.  What’s crazier?  Well, the person wearing it.

Pope Benedict XVI, in a recent address in Fatima, Portugal listed abortion and same-sex marriage among the most “insidious and dangerous” threats facing the world today.

Oh, yes.  That makes sense.  Homosexuals being able to freely and happily decide what life is best for them, and women preventing the birth of unwanted children is way worse than the systematic rape and torture of children by the priests in the Pope’s Church, the cover-up of that behavior, and the refusal to accept the need for condom use in third world countries, etc… We could obviously go on.

We’re talking about an organization that encourages faith healing (aka “let them die”) and exorcisms.

Gay marriage and abortion are threats to the world?

Maybe they’re just threats to Catholic dogma, and that, of course, is the Pope’s greatest concern.

Amazingly, in the same speech the Pope said, “In suffering, you will discover an interior peace and even spiritual joy”.

Perhaps all those pedophile priests were actually doing the kids a favor.

Ghostbuster, Part II

The Vatican’s exorcist is at it again.

With new reports on the European Catholic Church’s cover-up of decades-old child abuse popping up nearly every day, Rev. Gabriele Amorth is certain that he knows the cause.  I mean, obviously it’s the devil.  He says we shouldn’t be surprised that the devil tempts those in the Vatican.  Apparently, “following” “the word of God” doesn’t in any way protect you from the many temptations of the devil, particularly when those little boys were totally asking for it.

While Amorth says that he’s performed exorcisms on those “molested by the devil”, he’s never done an exorcism on a pedophile because they aren’t possessed by the devil, merely “tempted” by him.


He has never done an exorcism on a child molester, he said.

“I have carried out exorcisms on some priests who had been molested by the devil,” he said, without going into details.

“But cases of pedophilia exorcised, no. … Pedophiles are not possessed by the devil, they are tempted by the devil,” he said.

“They don’t need exorcism, they need to be converted, to be converted to God, that’s what they need. They need to confess, they need true penitence, true repentance, that’s what they need. They’re not possessed.”

But no one is too strong a believer to be possessed, Amorth said.

“Nothing occurs without the permission of God, and he allows even holy people, even saints, to be possessed by the devil,” he said.

But, he added, he sees no evil in the Vatican today:

“I just see good people in the Vatican. People of prayer, holy people, I don’t see any evil.”


Well, I see some old weirdos in serious denial.

He’s saying he sees no evil in the Vatican?  Everything happens with God’s permission?  Again, the excuse (and it is an excuse) is the devil exercising control over otherwise completely moral and sane people.  Yeah, right.

As this scandal creeps ever closer to the Pope, how long is it going to be that society puts up with the Catholic Church?  Already, abuse claims have risen up in the Pope’s former diocese – even against his own brother.  But, naturally, someone else has taken the fall for the cover-up.

The systematic cover-up of molestation, violence, and any variety of child abuse is disgusting no matter what you believe.  And unfortunately, it’s the Church’s own infrastructure that provides the venue for this abuse and the immunity to proper punishment and responsibility.