This is the dumbest publicity stunt of all time.
In a move that is sure to drive business for their website and truly thrill millions of young women, you know, in their private parts, Ancestry.com has announced that it has “discovered” that Robert Pattinson is “related” to “vampires”.
This shocking and oh, so fitting, revelation comes just days before the release of the newest artistic masterpiece in the Twilight series, Eclipse. It’s an amazing coincidence. Real stunner.
Let’s break this down…
Their discovery is based on Pattinson having a distant relation to the British royal family, who they say has a distant relation to the man they called Vlad Dracula, aka Vlad the Impaler.
So basically, that’s kind of bullshit. This is worse than six degrees of separation and then it’s, like, hundreds of years to account for too. I’m related to Bill Clinton and Michael Jordan and Carrot Top – through Adam and Eve of course. Oh, Adam and Eve isn’t real? You don’t say.
What sort of experts did Ancestry.com put on this “case”? It isn’t like Ancestry.com just started. They’ve been around for years. They couldn’t have figured all this out for the first movie? Definitely better to wait for the second sequel. Now there are way more teenage girls ready to cry and pledge their eternal love to a kid who looks like a real life ghost.
Then they can all join the site and find out if they’re related to Robert Pattinson. But wait, that would backfire! Then they couldn’t have human-vampire hybrid children with dreamboat vampire guy.
But let’s get down to the real nuts and bolts of this.
There aren’t vampires. Vlad Dracula, if that is his real name, was thought to be the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s “Dracula”. That doesn’t mean there were really vampires. That would be like someone having an abusive father and then writing “Godzilla” and everyone believing that the author’s father was really a 70-story tall lizard that will someday be featured in video games.
People don’t turn into bats and fly around and suck people’s blood and sleep in coffins and have eternal life and burn up from sunlight and hate garlic and crosses and all of that other bullshit. None of it is real.
None. Of. It.
Therefore, if there aren’t vampires, then Vlad Dracula was not a vampire. If Vlad Dracula was not a vampire, then the British royal family does not have a relation, even a distant one, to a vampire.
Therefore, Robert Pattinson doesn’t have a relation, even a distant one, to a vampire.
So fuck you, Robert Pattinson.
Fuck you, Twilight.
And most of all, fuck you, Ancestry.com.