So, you have a terrible life? Well I have just the thing...

Domino’s Pizza has really been trying to make it happen the last couple of years.

They admitted their pizza was terrible.  That was a good start.  Now they’ve made their pizza a little better.  Not so much better that it’s good, but you know, a little better.

It’s definitely better than Little Caesar’s, but I’m almost certain those only exist randomly in remote locations and just have the same name as the Little Caesar’s national chain by pure coincidence.

Maybe it’s on par with Papa John’s, without the shifty-eyed, psychotic, seemingly meth-addicted CEO/spokesman.  So I guess that’s a plus.

Now, realizing that making terrible pizza slightly better isn’t the way to rule the world (unless you’re Herman Cain), they’ve launched an iPad app called “Pizza Hero” to entertain the bored and also recruit “pizza chefs”, apparently.

First off, there aren’t “pizza chefs” and if there were, their training wouldn’t consist of fucking around on an iPad for a few hours.  Then again, if this is all it takes, it certainly would explain why Domino’s pizza is traditionally terrible.

And second, without completely trashing the pizza makers at Domino’s, we would have to admit that being a “pizza chef” at Domino’s isn’t generally anyone’s dream job.  It’s not like 2nd graders are doing presentations about wanting to be pizza makers in some cramped corporate kitchen when they grow up.  So basically we’re e-working at a job that we don’t even want.

How bored would we have to be to actually enjoy that?

Unsafe Sex? Fuggetaboutit.

If you need this many condoms, I'm impressed.

Yes, there’s also an app for this.

Yesterday I discussed the Catholic Church’s recent approval of the “Confession” iPhone app.

Well, today I’m going to tell you about an app that is sure to increase the sales of the Confession app and make religious groups like the Catholic Church go bananas.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, or as the New York City Health Department calls it, “National Condom Awareness Day”, the department has launched an app called “NYC Condom Finder”.

As you might guess, this handy little app allows people to find the nearest location of city-wide condom distributors, happy to pass out NYC branded condoms for free.  It can use the GPS feature on your smartphone to provide you with walking directions to the nearest rubbers.

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There’s an app for that.

Recently, the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval to an iPhone app called Confession.

The application takes you through the steps of preparing to confess all your sins to your local Catholic priest.

It gives you a “customized examination of conscience” based on things like your age, sex, marital status, and vocation.  But as you might guess, no matter what your answers to those questions are, it always tells you you’re sinning if the question regards sex in any way, or meat on Friday afternoons.  The version I tried out seems glitchy actually.  It kept leading me to a black screen with a beautifully artistic rendering of Satan and the words, “straight to hell”.  I assume I’m not passing Go(d) or collecting two hundred dollars.  For the record, Satan is always scarier when he looks really well conceived.  Wishy-washy cartoony versions of Satan just don’t do the trick.

Not scary enough.It breaks down the different sins and even allows you to add your own if they’re not listed.  For instance, Catholic priests will probably find it extremely useful to add “child molestation” to the app, since it will make it possible for them to still pretend they’re going to heaven while allowing them to not actually admit it out loud.

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Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, “star” of the Jersey Shore show on MTV stands to make $5 million this year.

While the orange halfwit makes $60,000 per episode for the piece of human waste he makes that MTV puts on television, he’ll also be making money for appearances, endorsements, an iPhone app, and various “Situation” based merchandise, like Halloween costumes, t-shirts, and DVDs.  Interestingly, all of the Situation’s merchandise comes packaged in a commemorative douche bag.

But check this out.  He’s also getting paid to create a workout video and a vitamin line.  The workout video is only ten seconds long and it’s just The Situation saying, “All you should care about in your entire life is your abs.”   Then the video ends.  If you can’t figure the rest out, you’re obviously dumber than him.  As for the vitamins, I can’t imagine it’s anything more than Mike’s Hard Lemonade in pill form.  I mean, the dude clearly isn’t a scientist, so it’s not like he’s developed some medical breakthrough.

But wait, there’s more.  The last item on the list…

A book deal.  Yes, that’s right. Like Sarah Palin, the Situation is doing the impossible – writing a book.  Why is it so shocking?  Because after they read the first draft of the book they’ve written, they’ll have just read a book for the first time.

If you’re buying anything produced by The Situation, I honestly fear for the safety of your future children.

The Situation is really screwing himself over though…

…apparently he demanded that he be paid entirely in rhinestones.