I did it all wrong.
Yesterday, a man that news outlets are referring to as an “environmental militant” took hostages at the headquarters of the Discovery Channel. James J. Lee said he was armed and wearing explosive devices, and it resulted in an hours-long standoff that eventually led to the shooting and killing of Lee.
Before he was killed, his manifesto and website (savetheplanetprotest.com) were released, detailing his demands…which are, well, hysterical.
Lee’s overarching position is that the human race needs to stop reproducing, or at least slow down the rate of reproduction dramatically. Slowing population growth is actually a fairly important issue since the resources available can’t sustain the population expansion indefinitely. But there are actually good ways to work toward that goal, and none of them involve taking hostages at the Discovery Channel.
Lee writes, “Saving the environment and the remaning [sic] species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels. . . The humans? The planet does not need humans.”
This is truly an excellent list of the animals, and it’s especially joyful that he has given them the proper respect by capitalizing their names. He has literally nailed every species known by kindergartners. And, of course, the squirrels. Oh, the squirrels. Where would we be without those little nut eating rodents, scurrying about both the city and the countryside? Oh, the squirrels. Your grey brown coat looks so beautiful, yet slightly dirty. Oh, squirrels. There’s a chance that at least one of you is a homeless man’s best friend.
And the froggies (that’s the technical term). The Discovery Channel probably just calls them “frogs”. Assholes. That doesn’t do them justice. Calling them “Froggies” helps to relay how sweet and cute and cuddly they are.
I do find it odd though that he doesn’t care about saving the rabbits…er, bunnies. I mean, they are only encouraging overpopulation. Everyone knows that no one loves to fuck more than rabbits, and they never use protection. Fucking fucking rabbits. Get it?
Some of his demands included finding solutions for pollution, international trade, unemployment, the housing crisis, arms proliferation, war-mongering, and immigration (because while he hates all human reproduction, he especially hates it in 3rd world countries).
Seems reasonable. We’d all love solutions to those problems. But this is when you know a dude is fucking nuts. “Solve the Israel-Palestine issue or I’m going to blow up a grocery store!” Yeah? See ya. It’s a little more complicated than that.
But wait, there’s more. The other demands had to do with Discovery Channel’s programming. He demanded that the Discovery Channel and TLC cease all broadcasts of shows promoting human birth or war. In their place, he demanded that all prime time slots on the Discovery Channel would be filled with programs about solving the world’s environmental crisis, based on Daniel Quinn’s “My Ishmael”…pages 207-212. I, personally, have been waiting for a movie to come along that is a combination of page 154 and “Me, Myself, and Irene”. That would be box office gold!
The other show he wants to see before everyone can go back to their normal lives is a show “on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution.”
What comes next is amazing…
…wait for it…
“A game show format contest would be in order.”
I can see the network execs bubbling over with excitement and anticipation. Maybe we can call it, “The Amazing End to the Human Race”. Lee should have just set up a meeting and pitched his show. I mean, it’s such a good idea.
Come to think of it, isn’t this basically the plot of that dumb Adam Sandler movie, “Airheads”? Mr. Lee, stop copying mid-90’s comedies.
Oh, and just to drive home his point, Lee demanded “MAKE IT INTERESTING SO PEOPLE WATCH AND APPLY SOLUTIONS!!!!”
As if all of this wasn’t flat out bat-shit insane enough, this guy just doesn’t know how to do the whole hostage thing.
You’re supposed to demand a million dollars in non-sequential bills and a helicopter that will take you safely to Rio where you disappear completely and live out your days under the radar, hopefully shacked up with Salma Hayek’s cousin on a beach somewhere. You don’t demand things that take months, years, or an eternity to accomplish.
How long does Mr. Lee think it takes to produce a television program that will encourage the end of human population growth that is both educational and interesting? You can’t just hold the hostages until the show airs, dumbass. You need to make your demands more immediate.
Either that, or you need to be a lot more powerful, be holed up in a secret lair, and give a deadline for your demands, which if not met will result in great catastrophe…like get a “laser” and pretend you’re Dr. Evil and let the Discovery Channel know that if they don’t put your program on the air, you’ll engulf their headquarters in liquid hot magma.
But my advice is falling on deaf ears, I mean, dead ears. Way to go, Mr. Lee. You are officially the worst hostage taker ever.
And to top it off, if you really want to help society, why didn’t you go after MTV first and get them to take off Jersey Shore? Or Fox – they could get rid of American Idol and Glenn Beck.
Jesus, Mr. Lee. I was with you on the froggies and the pollution and over-population stuff…but you lost me because you’re…you know…fucking insane.