‘Fuck me, you pussy’
You said
But I was
Half as hard
As the tone of the
Vodka chilled
Side of your voice
And the twisting roads
I drove blind drunk
To see you
Brought me only
Marginally closer
To you

That I would
Put myself at risk
To be
Within a whisker
Of your whiskey blown
Speed down harm’s way
To win a scrap
Of a facsimile
Of your double-sided love

You were everything
I wanted you
To want to be
For everything
I wanted to become
Your dreams
Were razors
Down the wrists
Of my hard-won
Leaving no choice
But bleed out
Slip away
Die into you
A thousand times

‘I’m in love’
You said
But it was misdirected
And I never learned
Its target
I would give all
For you
To train your sights
On me
Lay me to waste
Leave me in your wake
Let me hurt
In any way you choose
This, I offer you
My love
May I free you from your past
Avoid mine
Move forward
And pretend
‘Will you lose
For me to win?’

I screamed
A thousand times
And faintly whispered
Just once
And that was all that mattered.


We love
Like thieves
The important things
We run
From the only law
That could save
The society
Between us
We don’t carry
Our horrors together
We bury
Our burdens
In basements
We’re too scared to enter
To scarred to return to
The honor among us
When we learn
Neither of us
Were following the rules
And we can hear them closing in
We’ll escape
To the wilderness
Run between mountains
We find
We can’t climb

And the sirens trigger
A jackal orchestra
They converge
To pick our bones clean
And countless
Howling angels call you home.

What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA)…Part Two

It’s been a while. Your Facebook page has evolved. So has how you use it. And by “evolve” I mean, gotten way, way worse.

It’s to the point where the original What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA) doesn’t come close to accounting for all of the inane shit you are (or maybe only I am?) forced to wade through on a daily basis.  So without further delay…

Last time I wrote about an epidemic level of narcissism.  I doubt much about that has changed.  It’s certainly as real and as omnipresent as ever.  But here’s the good news – and all of you who are obsessed with your self-help books and your replacement churches will love this – it’s totally not (all) your fault!  I know how much you need to hear that everything you do is wonderful…and it, like, soooooo is.  Don’t change a thing.  If other people don’t like every damn thing you do…well, you know…they’re just not positive enough.

The truth is this.  When you get attention on social media – Facebook ‘likes’, retweets, Instagram ‘likes’, cock pics on Snapchat (that’s all Snapchat is for, right?), your brain releases all the happy chemicals that it used to release when you were actually doing happy things, like laughing, or cheering, or hugging, or receiving cock pics in a text message like it was 2011.

(For the record, cock pics are never a good idea.)

And while it is completely your fault for being an attention whore who can’t survive without other people’s admiration or glowering jealousy, it’s not your fault that the chemical reaction in your brain has you addicted to repeatedly validating yourself in the face of all those ridiculously unnecessary insecurities.  So, with that said, please remember that it’s okay if you do these things.  You just suck in the eyes of everyone around you.  Even those who clicked ‘like’ on that picture of your cat.

Their last twenty ‘likes’ were on the pictures of your tits.

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You Eat McDonald’s. Every Day.


Just fuckin’ eat me.

You eat McDonald’s.  Every single day.

I bet you didn’t realize it, but it’s true, I promise you.  Just today you ate a McRib for breakfast.  And the McRib isn’t even in season!  Mmm…rib season.

Today, within ten minutes of getting up, making some coffee…

(Oh, no!  Caffeine!  You’re Satan, caffeine!  We should all just drink green tea instead and then listen to our Eckhart Tolle tapes. Oh wait, that’s not Eckhart Tolle, that’s the computerized Apple Talk voice telling me to eat a McRib.  They sound the same.  Eckhart Tolle is the reason I ate a McRib!)

…anyway.  Coffee.  Yeah, I made some.  Then I poured it in a funny souvenir coffee cup that my brother brought back from Cabo San Lucas.  It has a joke on it that some overly P.C. shithead would be offended by, but really, it’s not remotely offensive.

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