There’s an app for that.
Recently, the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval to an iPhone app called Confession.
The application takes you through the steps of preparing to confess all your sins to your local Catholic priest.
It gives you a “customized examination of conscience” based on things like your age, sex, marital status, and vocation. But as you might guess, no matter what your answers to those questions are, it always tells you you’re sinning if the question regards sex in any way, or meat on Friday afternoons. The version I tried out seems glitchy actually. It kept leading me to a black screen with a beautifully artistic rendering of Satan and the words, “straight to hell”. I assume I’m not passing Go(d) or collecting two hundred dollars. For the record, Satan is always scarier when he looks really well conceived. Wishy-washy cartoony versions of Satan just don’t do the trick.
It breaks down the different sins and even allows you to add your own if they’re not listed. For instance, Catholic priests will probably find it extremely useful to add “child molestation” to the app, since it will make it possible for them to still pretend they’re going to heaven while allowing them to not actually admit it out loud.
Pope sees the app as a good way to enhance the Church’s involvement in the digital age. Just don’t get too involved in the digital age if you’re a good Catholic, because everyone knows that spending too much time on the internet will eventually make you masturbate and go blind. I think Tweeting about really boring things makes you go blind too, so just think about this next time you feel the need to update your Twitter about traffic or where you’re eating.
I’m wondering if it keeps a record of all your sins. In a year, can you scroll back through all of your sins and relive your guilt? That’s probably a good way to feel like a total shithead, which I guess is essentially the point of Catholicism to begin with. Hopefully those records don’t leak and become public. Imagine when TMZ gets their hands on Charlie Sheen’s Confession app database. Just kidding. Charlie Sheen is definitely too wasted to use an iPhone.
Obviously, you have to be over 18 to get the app, because if your iPhone can lead Confession, there’s a good chance that it will turn into a priest and try to have sex with you if you’re underage.
And we all know that there’s no way to punish an iPhone that rapes children. The Pope will probably just confiscate your phone and break the screen. Oh wait, you have an iPhone, so the screen is already broken. Well then, you’re off scot free! Just like real life priests!