God Dammit!

God dammit!

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson gave me, and all other Steelers fans, a gift yesterday in the form of a dropped touchdown pass in overtime.  Instead of celebrating the winning score, the Bills offense was unable to get the job done and the Steelers drove for the winning field goal.

Johnson’s drop was unquestionably one of the worst plays of the season, and even though it allowed the Steelers to win, I honestly felt bad for the guy.

Apparently not as bad as he feels for himself though.

And now he’s given me another gift in the form of one of the most hilarious Tweets I’ve ever seen.

After the game yesterday, Johnson found himself searching for answers and relayed this on his Twitter account:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…

Throughout the history of sports, athletes have always attributed their talents, their accomplishments, and their victories to god.  They blather on at length about it in postgame interviews.  It’s more cliche than even the tried and true  “we’re just taking it a game at a time”.

But this is the first time, to my knowledge, that an athlete has actually stayed logically (if not intelligently) consistent and put the blame on god for a dropped touchdown pass.

So, Stevie, if you’re not sure what you’re expected to learn from this, I’ll tell you.

First, stop spending 24/7 praising god, or at least stop pretending you do, because you definitely don’t and no one does that except suicide bombers and that’s insane.

Second, god didn’t make you drop that touchdown.  You just dropped it.  You were dropping passes all day.  Like 6 of them.  Sometimes you just have bad days.  Maybe you weren’t focused.  But it definitely wasn’t a result of you not praying enough.

Third, if there was a god, it doesn’t care about sports.  That’s obvious because one team always wins and one team always loses, no matter how many players on each team pray for help.  It’s actually beyond stupid and egocentric to think that in a vast universe of infinite possibility, a football staying in the hands of a 24 year old guy in Buffalo goes down as a significant issue.

Finally, you actually will forget it and keep on praying today because you’ve been conditioned to think you’re doing something when you’re really actually doing nothing.

So if you’re going to keep praying, do it for things like courage, strength, and peace…

…not touchdowns.

Because it doesn’t work either way…but it definitely doesn’t work for sports.

P.S.  I don’t think god has checks his Twitter.