Middle Ages

Brick by brick
We built
A castle to surround
Our future life
Where we would wither
And grey
But smile like the first day
Protect us from
We sit in rocking chairs
And govern a people
We created
Tracing the
All too visible
Dark blue veins in
My old and weary hands
We would laugh about
How we always thought
We’d die before
We ever saw this day
And how we’re amazed
That we never did
The dungeon held
All the moments
We moved past but never left
The treasure room
Had just enough
To get us by
And archers
For arrowed hearts
Of every outsider
But you couldn’t
Armor my heart
And the design flaw
Of the castle was
That we built it from the outside
And couldn’t cross the moat.

Unsafe Sex? Fuggetaboutit.

If you need this many condoms, I'm impressed.

Yes, there’s also an app for this.

Yesterday I discussed the Catholic Church’s recent approval of the “Confession” iPhone app.

Well, today I’m going to tell you about an app that is sure to increase the sales of the Confession app and make religious groups like the Catholic Church go bananas.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day, or as the New York City Health Department calls it, “National Condom Awareness Day”, the department has launched an app called “NYC Condom Finder”.

As you might guess, this handy little app allows people to find the nearest location of city-wide condom distributors, happy to pass out NYC branded condoms for free.  It can use the GPS feature on your smartphone to provide you with walking directions to the nearest rubbers.

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Terrible Song King

I'm a bad singer.

The new Burger King breakfast commercials are quite possibly the worst commercials ever made.

There are a few.  Here’s one.


They all feature a person marching around town singing a terrible song, picking up followers (have to assume they’re deaf and hungry) along the way, presumably to take them to Burger King for an average tasting breakfast.

There’s also one where a bearded idiot plays flute and sings terribly.  That one is the worst.

I don’t think there’s anyone out there who would ever go to Burger King who isn’t already aware that Burger King has breakfast…and I can’t imagine there’s anyone who would think it’s “new”.

All I know is that these commercials are making it less likely that I will ever eat breakfast at Burger King.

Jesus is My Warden

My orange jumpsuit was meant to be.

This is Randy “Duke” Cunningham.  He used to be a Congressman.

Now he’s an inmate.

His crime?  Accepting millions of dollars in bribes from defense contractors in exchange for his political support.

That’s a reeeeeeal bad crime.  For it, he was rewarded with 100 months in prison (8 years, 4 months, for the divisionally challenged).

Duke is trying to find some redemption during his sentence and is teaching inmates, trying to help them earn their GED’s.

About his new work, Cunningham was recently quoted as saying, “Maybe that’s why God put me here.  To bring about much needed prison reform”.

Umm…so God wants you to bring about prison reform from prison, you say?  That’s a challenge.  It’s too bad you don’t have a more appropriate platform for your new cause.  Wouldn’t it be great if you could just have some real influence?  Like, as a Congressman or something?  Oh, wait.

Also, Randy, I’m fairly certain that God didn’t put you in prison.  I think it was probably your greed, your corruption, and your total lack of integrity…and oh, yeah – that little felony you committed.  I think that might be why you’re in jail.

And if there was a God out there chucking people into prisons, why wouldn’t he just skip the middle man and reform the prisons all by himself with a snap of his invisible fingers?  He could totally do that.

Or maybe Duke is just a messenger of God.  Yeah, that’s it.  And he’s in prison being persecuted.

Shit, he’s basically Jesus.