Fantasy Baseball

Satan pulled my hamstring.

Video: Luke Scott Injury

This is Luke Scott of the Baltimore Orioles.

He hit a homerun.  Congratulations, Luke Scott.

He started running, because that’s what you do after a home run.

He strained his hamstring which made the rest of his run very difficult.  Now he’s on the disabled list.

But if you watch the video, you’ll see him do the normal pro athlete thing and thank god by pointing to the sky and hitting his chest or whatever it is that means, “Hey, god.  I really love you.  Like, for real.  Thanks for the home run.”

It seems a little off to me though.

I mean, yeah, cool.  You hit a homer.

But now you don’t get to play baseball for the next two weeks, at least.  That must have been the work of Satan though.

Maybe next time this happens, the player should point up to the sky to thank god and then point to the ground and kick it to curse Satan.  Rival fantasy creatures toying with a man during one home run trot.

That’s really something.

ESPN Stalker Research

Source: ESPN Stalker Research

I think “ESPN Stats and Research” needs to be renamed ESPN Stalker Research.

This is probably the creepiest stats report I’ve ever seen.

Really, someone sat there for 11 hours and 5 minutes during the longest tennis match in history, counting John Isner’s and Nicolas Mahut’s “strokes”, “backhands”, and “bounces before serve”.

And that’s not even the weird part.

That same person sat there counting how many times the two men “toweled off”.

That is so fucking weird and deranged and creepy, I barely know how to react.

I have no idea why ESPN would think that’s interesting to anyone, nor why any other news organization would ever carry it.

But creepier than that is the dude sitting by himself in a small office in Bristol, Connecticut with a remote control in his hand watching the tennis match for the moment each man towels off, and then marking it down in a notebook.  I feel like maybe a small, creepy groan of “mmmm…” probably barely escapes his mouth when this happens.

I’m imagining this whole scene being something that Kevin Spacey’s character in Seven would be into.  Or maybe Kevin Spacey in real life.  Who knows?

Too Long

"Why am I still playing tennis??"

I don’t care how much you like tennis.

No sporting event should ever go 11 hours and 5 minutes.  It should never have to be suspended due to darkness two days in a row.

Because, let’s face it.  Tennis just isn’t that interesting.

Some guy you’ve never heard of played tennis against some other guy you’ve never heard of for a really long time and then one guy finally won.

The fifth set of the match took 8 hours and 11 minutes, which is, by itself, longer than the previous longest match ever at 6 hours 33 minutes.  That also means it’s about 7 1/2 hours longer than it should be, unless you like hearing men grunt for 11 straight hours.

The players involved and some of the commentators are calling it the “greatest match ever”, and I’m certain that that’s only because they’re unclear on the definition of “great”.

Because when a match goes that long, it should be pretty clear to everyone that flipping a coin for the first round winner and then going and doing anything else is more interesting than spending an extra 9 hours of your life watching tennis.

Foghorn Suckhorn

If you’ve been watching the World Cup, you’ve probably noticed that you feel like you have tinnitus for the duration of the match.  Well, not to worry.  There’s nothing wrong with your ears…that is, if you’re just watching on TV.

The people at the stadium are actually at risk of losing their hearing.

That incredibly annoying and awful sound is created by a plastic horn called a “vuvuzela”.

And nearly everyone involved with the World Cup, except maybe the fans blowing them, absolutely hate them.

The players can’t hear each other during the game.  The fans at watching at home can’t hear anything but the horns.  And the fans in the stadium can’t hear anything ever again.

FIFA has refused to ban the horns, saying they’re unwilling to try to take away the cultural traditions of the host country.

But when a cultural decision sucks that fucking much, I think it’s time to take a stand.

Just another reason why soccer (football?) will not, unfortunately, catch on in the U.S.

Bad Ad

Check out this awesome shit.

They made a “scientific discovery”.  That’s how you know it works.

With this new product you can “Build Muscle Fast”.

You can also build a huge, freakish, caveman-like forehead.

There is no way I want to take anything that will make me look like this…

…and even as a guy who works out, I have no idea what “ripped pumps” are.  Sounds like a dangerous sexual injury.

Oh, and if you’re the guy in the picture, don’t kick my ass.