Not Food


Popeye’s, the fried chicken fast food restaurant, has now produced this thing.

They call it “Rip’n Chick’n” because it’s way hipper to leave out letters and pronunciation when you’re inventing animal parts.

What could it possibly feel like to wake up one day and think, “You know what’s wrong with chicken fingers?  They’re just all by themselves and you can just eat them without tearing them off of a grotesque chicken hand.”

This thing looks like a campfire made out of cheap fried chicken.

It looks like a mistake someone made and then erased on Draw Something.  If someone had the word “chicken” and drew this, you’d have to spend all your coins guessing what the fuck it is and then hope that someone wrote word clues by the time you’re finished.

I'm half a crab.

And what’s up with that piece at the end?  Is that a pinky toe?  You eat that one last after you’ve already torn apart the chicken hand and the mutant chicken half-foot attached to it?

Hey, Popeye’s.  Instead of creating disgusting looking ways to glue pieces of chicken together, how about you just focus on it not tasting like shit and being bad for people?

Now we’re getting somewhere.


So, you have a terrible life? Well I have just the thing...

Domino’s Pizza has really been trying to make it happen the last couple of years.

They admitted their pizza was terrible.  That was a good start.  Now they’ve made their pizza a little better.  Not so much better that it’s good, but you know, a little better.

It’s definitely better than Little Caesar’s, but I’m almost certain those only exist randomly in remote locations and just have the same name as the Little Caesar’s national chain by pure coincidence.

Maybe it’s on par with Papa John’s, without the shifty-eyed, psychotic, seemingly meth-addicted CEO/spokesman.  So I guess that’s a plus.

Now, realizing that making terrible pizza slightly better isn’t the way to rule the world (unless you’re Herman Cain), they’ve launched an iPad app called “Pizza Hero” to entertain the bored and also recruit “pizza chefs”, apparently.

First off, there aren’t “pizza chefs” and if there were, their training wouldn’t consist of fucking around on an iPad for a few hours.  Then again, if this is all it takes, it certainly would explain why Domino’s pizza is traditionally terrible.

And second, without completely trashing the pizza makers at Domino’s, we would have to admit that being a “pizza chef” at Domino’s isn’t generally anyone’s dream job.  It’s not like 2nd graders are doing presentations about wanting to be pizza makers in some cramped corporate kitchen when they grow up.  So basically we’re e-working at a job that we don’t even want.

How bored would we have to be to actually enjoy that?

Technological Non-Advancement, Part 3

You need a wrench to drink this.

Beer companies have always been great at pretending they’ve done something to improve their product even though they obviously haven’t.  If you recall, we have Miller Lite’s Vortex bottle and Coors Light’s can that changes color to let you know the beer is cold – Technological Non-Advancement, Part 1.

This is stupid.  Just give me a beer.  Obviously.

Miller Lite has reached incredible new heights.  They’ve introduced the “punch top” can, also known as a can.  It gives you a smoother pour, because as everyone knows, it’s always been hard to get the beer out of the can without some complex tools and some other people.

The problem with this isn’t that it doesn’t work, it’s that it has always worked and everyone knows this.

High tech.

In fact, that’s how people used to open beer.  In the 1960s.

Ok, fine. It's cool.

Don Draper makes it look cool to have to punch holes in cans to drink beer, but for people in the 21st century, this idea is utter bullshit.

If you can’t already drink beer fast enough, you’re just simply not good at drinking beer.  So get better at drinking.  It’s not the can, it’s you.

I know what you’re thinking – not being able to drink beer quickly isn’t a problem.  And you’re right.

Which is why no one needs an extra hole in their beer can and why opening beer like they did half a century ago isn’t progress.

Johnny Pandersticks

Vote for me! Please.

Mitt Romney released the audio part of the sequel to the infamous Drinking Out of Cups video by Dan Deacon.  Once they get the animated lizard and some awesome backgrounds, they’ll be good to go.

He’s been trying to say everything that he thinks people want to hear for so long that he has no idea who he is anymore.  He’s become completely unhinged and it’s hilarious.


“I was born and raised here. I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right height.  I like seeing the lakes. I love the lakes. There’s something very special here. The Great Lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan. I love cars.”

At least he’s got the seahorse vote locked up.

Have a look…

Drinking Out of Cups

Romney’s Sequel


Holy Shit

Don't let your toilet paper get dirty. Ever.

This commercial is shocking.  Offensive even.

Shitty Commercial

I watched it and for the first 28 out of 32 seconds I thought it was just advertising how terrible relationships can be when you mistakenly choose to spend the rest of your life with an anal-retentive psychopath.

But, nope.  It’s a commercial for a toilet paper cover.  That’s right.  A toilet paper cover.

Cottonelle would like to start the trend of taking your toilet paper out of the plastic cover that it was in since you brought it home from the store and placing it into a plastic cover that you actually had to purchase at the store.

I can’t even imagine the meeting where they decided people were dumb enough to do this.  I swear, this is the best indicator ever to stop dating someone.  If we’re on a date, and I’m back at your house, and I mysteriously just walk out with no explanation, and then you use the bathroom and see one of those Jonathan Adler toilet paper covers, don’t text me, just know it was your fault.

The announcer at the end of the commercial says, “Take care of your toilet paper…” as if there are evil creatures in your house destined to attack your toilet paper so violently that your beautiful Cottonelle will be degraded into public restroom style toilet paper.

Congratulations, Cottonelle.  You just found a way to do the impossible and make germaphobes more miserable and annoying.