Hey, Terrorists

Hey, terrorists.

Stop practicing spinning jump kicks.  You’re not going to use those.  I know you just think they’re awesome to do and stuff, but you guys should focus on more important things, like inventing running water.

I mean, what sort of scenario are they preparing for?  A stunt role in the next big Jackie Chan movie…you know, after their suicide bombing career is over.  Oh, wait…

I want Capcom to put a terrorist character in the next version of Street Fighter (I’ll still be Ryu).  These guys are like Jedi masters, obviously.  Just because their underwear bombs sometimes don’t go off, doesn’t mean they don’t know how to use the force.

And while we’re at it…

Hey, news organizations, get some new footage of terrorists training.  It’s always the same kicks and exercises and running around with the AK-47’s.  These guys love to train (obviously, right?) and they love to videotape each other.  There has to be some more footage out there.

Congratulations, ESPN

ESPN was running a big headline on its website about how they took home a whopping 7 Sports Emmy Awards.

You read that correctly.  They have Emmy awards specifically for sports.

ESPN won 7.  Seems like a lot right?  But they had 54 nominations…in 32 categories.  That’s almost two nominations per category.  And for the record, if a baseball player only went 7/54, he’d be cut from the team.

ESPN has, like, 17 networks and they all broadcast sports 24 hours a day.  They should win every sports broadcasting award there is, simply because they’re practically the only one in the game.

Congratulating yourself for winning seven sports Emmys when you’re ESPN is like an only child building himself a trophy for being his mom’s favorite son.

Earthquake Perspective

Hey, CNN.  Remember when we talked about this iReport stuff a little while ago?  You remember.  Come on.

That woman you just had on…you know, the one who was complaining about losing her irreplaceable Christmas ornaments?  Yeah, that one.

That story doesn’t matter at all.

People actually got killed this year in earthquakes.  A lot of them.  They lost everything they had, even if that was only a little.

So, I’m not interested at all in someone’s Christmas ornaments.  And neither is anyone else.

Also…

Hey, woman who called in to complain about ornaments.  Shut the fuck up.

I(diot) Report

Hey, CNN, I’m quite certain that we don’t need to hear people’s barely audible, heavily accented phone calls telling us that they felt the ground shake.

There’s no damage.

There’s no drama.

Just leave it alone.

Having ten morons call in doesn’t give it a “personal touch”.

What you’re doing isn’t interesting.