Vampire Dieting

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Not fat.

Riddle me this, Twilight masturbators.  How the fuck are there no fat vampires?

This is perplexing to me.

I’ve seen Vampire stuff since I was a kid.  Movies, TV shows, etc…

Never have I ever seen one fat vampire.

So, come on, vampire experts, a.k.a. girls in the 13-29 age group.  Tell me.  Why are there no fat vampires?  Oh wait, there are no “vampire experts” because that would be the same as being an expert on dragons or aliens.

Almost every vampire I’ve ever seen is not only not fat, but actually insanely ripped.  (No rainbow).

I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of the vampires take down a fat person, even though it would seem like maybe they would be good sources of nutrition.  And if they did suck a fat person’s blood and turn that fat person into a vampire (this is how it happens, right experts?) would that person get skinny as a vampire?  Everyone I’ve talked to about this seems to think the answer must be ‘yes’.  But how fast does this happen?  Immediately?  Then maybe going vamp is the next diet craze.  Does it take a while?  Blood must be a relatively low-cal diet.  Maybe the weight just comes off in the first few weeks.

I don’t know why they don’t show this transition.  I think it would be inspiring.  It would be like “The Biggest Loser” except with blood and shirtless dudes and probably some tits too, unless it’s for the tweens and then it’s only about eternal love and no sex…which is probably the worst thing that could ever happen.

Can one of you girls just please stop watching True Blood for a second and put down your copy of Twilight and your vibrator and tell me the answer?

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  • Anonymous March 29, 2010 at 9:48 am

    This is purely on the grounds of debate, not because I’m obsessed with Vampires… :) haha

    My conjecture is that Vampires need to be attractive to humans to lure them in, so when the human body changes into a vampire body, their metabolism rapidly changes assuring that they always have ripped bodies that we find attractive. Clearly it is working because look how obsessed everyone is with it.

    So.. If a fat person goes through a change they probably immediately go through a harsh process of stretching/ oozing out water weight, and fat from their pores.

    Again, just a conjecture…

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