What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA)

Just don't.

I suppose Facebook and Twitter are basically, by definition, mildly (or maybe strongly) narcissistic…

…and it’s absolutely true that neither of them are going anywhere anytime soon.

Narcissism – a narcissistic person: Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements); Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion; Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people.

So the question then becomes, how can you use them without seeming like a complete vapid asshole who thinks that everything they think and do during the day is somehow even remotely interesting to other people?  Well, here’s a simple list of things not to do on Facebook – especially if you live in LA.

1.  Don’t write your profile in the third person.  People do this as if it’s a professional bio.  We can put aside the fact that almost no one actually needs to ever have a professional bio and the fact that even less people will actually read one.  The real point here is that you wrote it.  No one decided you were important enough to write a short biography of your rise from “small town kid” to “extra in Pirates of the Caribbean.”   So you writing about yourself in the third person is really just flat-out bragging while at the same time seeming humble enough to only post if “someone else” wrote it.  They didn’t.  You shouldn’t.  End of story.

2.  If you’re an “actor”, don’t post the link to your IMDB page on your Facebook page.  The only people who do this are people who are begging for attention.  The people back in your small town in North Dakota might care that you were “Girl at Party – (Uncredited)” in the third episode of the sixth season of Entourage, but none of your Facebook friends do.  It’s not like there’s this community of directors just scanning Facebook pages for IMDB links to the next Angelina Jolie.  There are only people thinking, “why is this person so narcissistic?” and “why are they trying to brag about being an extra so many times?”  Also, if you made your own IMDB page or you edited your IMDB bio and wrote it in the third person (see #1 on this list), you’re a double asshole.

P.S.  If you were an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean and the bio you wrote in the third person says, “She had the amazing experience of working with Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean”, it’s over.  I hope we never speak again.

3.  Don’t update Facebook Places…ever.  The “cooler” the place you are when you update it, the less cool you look.  It’s honestly a completely negative correlation.  Updating Facebook Places at the hottest restaurants, for instance, just makes you look like a real shithead.  It’s not special that you’re there, and if you think it is, you have a very strange set of priorities.  Other people will notice this and dislike you, I promise.

Besides that, don’t you think it’s a little creepy to just tell other people where you are all the time – particularly when it’s quite likely that some of them don’t even know you?  You might as well say, “If anyone wants to break into my house or stalk me tonight, I’m at STK.”

4.  Don’t ever do the “humble brag”.  If you need an idea of what this is, follow @humblebrag on Twitter.  It’s basically when you’re being self-depricating on purpose so that you can brag without seeming like a narcissistic asshole, even though that’s exactly what you’re doing.  Same basic principle as #1.  If you say, “At an Oscar party.  So drunk.  Was talking to Seth Rogen and I might have said something dumb,” you’re really just trying to tell everyone that you’re talking to Seth Rogen.  Remember, talking to Seth Rogen is never impressive.

5.  Actors:  Don’t post about your call times, auditions, callbacks, or craft services.  You’re basically just trying to tell everyone that you’re an actor and everyone on your friends list either A) already knows or B) doesn’t give a shit.  No regularly working actor I know does this…ever.  Why?  Because there’s nothing novel or interesting about it.  Also, auditions and callbacks aren’t your goal and shouldn’t be.  Booking is.  So getting the attention and the satisfaction of publicly shouting out auditions and callbacks is actually making it harder, mentally, for you to succeed because the attention becomes the goal and not the work.  Posting your bookings is totally cool.  Your friends will be happy for you and it’s nice to share that.

*You have an exception to this rule if you’re a regularly working actor and you use Facebook/Twitter to keep your fans up to date.

6.  You don’t need a fan page unless you actually have fans or you do something that people can be a fan of.  These things include anything that you creatively make or design, any business you run, etc…  The social networking community can be a great venue for marketing and I don’t have any qualms with people using it for that.  Hell, I do it.  But if you don’t fit that criteria, you don’t need a fan page.  Making all your friends add your “fan” page for all of the nothing that you do isn’t cool…and trust me, your friends are annoyed.  Keep in mind, models, there are no models with “fans” unless they are Victoria’s Secret models, on ANTM, or working constantly in any of the various magazines, billboards, etc… that you see out there.  If you’re not a legit professional model, those people aren’t “fans”, they’re guys who want to have sex with you.

That’s just for starters.  Let me make this part absolutely clear…

You should never, ever, ever fucking ever, have a status update that says, “I’ve reached my 5,000 friend limit, please add my fan page.”

You don’t know 5,000 people.  You don’t know anything close to 5,000 people.  My job is to know people and I don’t know even half of that.  So instead of making yourself look ridiculous by making a fan page of the glorious you, just go ahead and delete the 4,500 people you don’t know.  You won’t miss them, and chances are, if you’re the type of person who’s getting ready to make a fan page because you added too many random internet people, they won’t miss you either.

7.  I know I’m asking the impossible here, but stop writing every mundane thought that pops into your head and every average activity you perform throughout the day.  No one cares.  The fact that you think they do is, well, incredibly narcissistic.  The idea that everyone wants to know everything you’re doing all day, every day is so patently absurd.  I’m not the first person to say this obviously, but it can’t be said enough.  The only time you should do this is when you’re participating in my growing Twitter meme, #mundanemonday.  Then it’s funny.  And if you don’t get it, well, you’re not funny.

8.  Girls:  Don’t write things like, “Long day.  Time to watch a movie.  Could really use a massage.”  You’re basically just begging for male attention and/or actually posting a “Wanted: Guy” sign on your forehead.  That is the closest possible thing to saying, “Hey, do any of you guys out there want to make out or possibly fuck?”  I can only imagine how offended people would be if a guy wrote, “Really tired.  Any of you girls up for a quick blow job?”

9.  No voting.  Never.  Ever.  Whatever contest you’re in, I hope you win.  I just won’t help you.  And neither will 99% of your friends.  The 1% who does go and vote for you probably wants to have sex with you.  No one wants to go on a site and register their email and then confirm their registration just so you can be the lead “model” posing on a Harley in a tiny bikini in Motorcycle Connoisseurs Monthly.  Remember White Men Can’t Jump?  Sometimes when you win, you really lose.  This is one of those times.  Also, let’s be clear here – the only reason all these voting contests started was so that all of you would spend your days promoting the websites of whoever is hosting the contest.  It’s for them.  It’s not for you.

10.  Don’t advertise anything on my page or expect me to advertise something for you.  You post an advertisement on my page and it’s coming down as fast as I can reach a computer and I might defriend you just to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

11.  Girls:  If you have any pictures of yourself in a bikini, or any suggestive “modeling” pictures, you are absolutely forbidden to post on your page, “Facebook isn’t a dating site”.  If you don’t want guys to hit on you, don’t post pictures that will make them think you’re easy.  Simple.  Let’s be honest here, if the guy was good looking, smart, funny, and successful, then all of a sudden it changes to, “Ok, I guess Facebook is sometimes a dating site”.

Sidebar:  It’s definitely ridiculous to say, “Facebook isn’t a dating site.  This isn’t Myspace.”  As if Myspace was somehow more of a dating site. It’s been 5 years since Facebook was a relatively closed community.  It’s called “social networking” for a reason. People are going to talk to you.  If you don’t want that, make your page private, geniuses.

Don't do this.

12.  This should go without saying:  Don’t post pictures of your food.  Again, no one cares where you’re eating.  Don’t post pictures of your expensive shoes.  And for fuck’s sake, don’t take the summer picture down the length of your bikini-clad body as your toes point toward an ocean or pool.  You’re only doing this for the sake of making other people jealous.  Whether or not it works, you’re still a person who’s trying to make other people jealous, and that’s just silly.  There’s nothing less impressive than constantly trying to impress people with where you are or what you’re doing.

People these days have started doing things solely for the attention they’ll get when they post it to Facebook.  That is so deranged.  “Hey, I have courtside Lakers seats. Are you a basketball fan?  Want to go?”  “What’s basketball?  Yes, I want to go.”  This is life now because of Facebook.  Thanks, Facebook.

13.  No posting inspirational quotes or Bible quotes if you’ve never read the source material and don’t understand the context.  I’ve gone through this before.  Really.  No one needs to hear anymore Deepak Chopra quotes.  You know that jackass is just making it up, right?  Besides, why not impart some of your own ideas and your own learned wisdom?  Oh yeah, that requires thinking and self-expression.

I know this all makes me, like, soooo mean and judgmental.  Read the title of the blog.

Trust me.  If you can avoid doing these things you’ll not only be more liked by your Facebook friends, you’ll be less addicted to Facebook.

And those are good things.

32 thoughts on “What Not to Do On Facebook (Especially in LA)

  1. Your quick to write but really, without all these people, you wouldn’t be able to exercise your sharp critic skills. So you might want to thank them at some point.
    And despite whatever you say, you’re migth be as narssistic as any of them. You just have something worth to brag about.

  2. I wholeheartedly agree with all minus:

    Posting bikini pictures: There’s a bikini picture and there’s a bikini picture. If I’m on vacation with my friends/family, and want to post a picture of us OR just me, including the kind of picture you captioned with “Don’t do this,” , I sure will. I won’t be doing this to attract guys. (Seriously, why do all men think women do everything they do for them?) I myself don’t have a picture of myself in my bikini on FB but I do have a picture of myself in my underwear which was taken by a friend. It makes me smile every time I see it about a joke she made as she was taking the picture. If one of my 210 facebook friends thinks that that picture is there to turn guys on, well, it’s his problem. Another side note here, including yourself a lot of men have shirtless pictures of themselves on facebook. (I know you’re not talking about every bikini/underwear picture, you’re talking about the attention whore kind of ‘bikini people’, I just wanted to make it clear.)

    Pictures of food: Well some people love food. Some people (women especially) love food more than it should. Ridiculous? Maybe. But for women pictures of food is really just a beautiful sight. Ask women, a lot of us like the food pictures each other post. (Again, women not do everything for men so I don’t expect you to not find it ridiculous 🙂 )

    Addition to the list: I so wish girls would stop kissing each other on the lips and/or posing like making out ,or about to have a lesbian orgy. THAT’s ‘easy’.

    Addition 2: I also wish every man I know –including smart, intellectual ones– wouldn’t ‘Like’ those trashy pictures and (try to) sleep with those kind of girls even if it’s just for sex, so as women we could respect men more.

  3. Anonymous #1. Oh, trust me. I appreciate their inspiration. I don’t know how me pointing these things out is narcissistic, but if you think so, that’s ok.

    Anonymous #2. Yes, I’m talking about the semi-pro modeling bikini pics. If you’re with your family on vacation or at a pool party or whatever, that’s fine, of course. I don’t think girls necessarily post those first kind of pictures only for men, but it’s certainly for attention…and the point is that when you do that, you’re not allowed to be surprised when you get hit on. Guys posting shirtless pics is absolutely just as absurd. Maybe more absurd.

  4. Dont you use your facebook to “promote” your job??

    some models are trying to also “promote” their jobs, and some post pictures because they are proud of the work they have done.

    Also some of us have private pages, and people still try to add us, friends of friends or whatever. That is why I have a fan page, so i can keep my personal and private life seperate.

    who cares if the guys want to sleep with you because you post bikini pictures? Marisa Millers fan pages is followed by A: people hwo want to sleep with here OR B: Poeple who want to be her..

    duh.. same goes for the rest of the victorias secret models.. haha

  5. Pointing these things out makes you look great, better and therefor of “unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist)”. You’re bringing all this attention onto YOU by critisizing these poor fools. You’re just using a more subtle way to get what they’re desperate for: ATTENTION.

  6. How narcissistic is for YOU of all people to judge what others should or shouldn’t post on their facebook. I understand you’re a self proclaimed cinic but why do you even care? Defriend the people that annoy you and shut up.

  7. Why didn’t my second post made it here? You just won’t admit it, right? You’re just like anybody else, baby.

  8. I agree with most of what you’re saying. Although, I do have modeling pictures on my FaceBook, because it’s my work and my family all lives very far away and they are all on FB. It’s much easier than emailing a large group of people pictures they’ll have to download. Not for attention, or for people to think how hot I am, but to showcase my work and have my family feel connected to me.

    Which brings me to my next point. I occasionally update where I’m at in Places so if my friends are in the area they’ll see and text me to join in. Or again, so my family feels like they are connected to me, I have a very large family and to call them and fill them in on my daily activities like they request would take up my whole day. That is easier. Although, it does drive me crazy when friends check into “trendy” places and think they’re awesome by broadcasting it to the universe….get over yourself, no one is impressed.

    And yes, sometimes I’m guilty of the “mundane” posts, but again, if I don’t update my status my mom calls to see if I’m alive, my grandma leaves 5,000 voicemails asking if I’m doing ok, etc. So sometimes people have other motivations than attention and post so they don’t get annoying relatives who mean well, calling them all day to see what’s going on.

    Having that been said, if you do these things for attention purposes, you’re an uber douche and should be deleted immediately!

  9. what about people that leave sexual comments under each other’s pictures? “mmmmm.” , “i’ll hit that tonight.” , “i know that booty ;)” even worse if he/she is not even officially your girlfriend/boyfriend. get a phone and text them, you know.

  10. So much to respond to! Tomorrow maybe. As for posting your comment, anonymous #1, once I approve one from a person, the rest go automatically, so I don’t know what to tell ya. I’m not at the computer. I’ll say this though, if someone wants to attack me personally, I’m not going to post that. Got one of those. Not sure if it was yours since it should’ve gone auto if it was.

    K, I don’t disagree with anything you said. And I don’t think it really conflicts with anything I said, really.

    Commander, hilarious.

    To anyone who’s vehemently angry, you’re either taking this or yourself way too seriously. Also, fuck off. Delete me. I’ll live.

    For everyone else, thank you for spreading this so far and wide so quickly. Nice to see people “get it”.

  11. Sorry, I didn’t read your response entirely. Mine was not attacking you directly but what you wrote. Good article man.

  12. Yes, most of these are absolutely absurd. However, what’s more absurd to me is that people who always/often post their opinions on Facebook and maybe even Twitter. Facebook is a place where you ‘connect’ with your friends and family. When you’re hanging with your friends, are you ALWAYS, EVERY MINUTE like, “Hey this movie is bad, republicans suck.” …etc No. You sometimes also talk about your mundane activities. Facebook is like a phone conversation. Sometimes you can say, “I just woke up.” Sometimes you can mention why you think Black Swan is amazing. ONLY/USUALLY posting opinions (well, such as you do) is WAY more narcissistic than anything I can think of. It makes you look like that you clearly think you’re better than everyone else, but thank God you can take your time to show us, the less smart people, the right way. (Sounds like I’m just talking about you but I’m talking about everyone else that talks the same way.)

    Twitter is even worse. Max. 140 characters. Just like a text message. I do enjoy some smart, funny people on twitter. But it’s truly amazing how people actually take their time to find original content to post in a TWEET and actually pay attention on the creativity of their tweets. Think about it, really busy people who actually DO things, aren’t really on Twitter, and Facebook, and Tumblr, (not all of them). Most really-working-celebrities either tweet once a day or every three days. Some very few who tweet a lot have the most boring tweets, I’d assume it’s because they don’t have time to think of a tweet when they have a busy business, family, boyfriend, and friends to put their mind & creativity on.

    People should only post their opinions on their blogs, maybe on Twitter if they’re OK with the max. 140 characters rule, but not on Facebook… otherwise you’re narcissistic.

  13. Anyone who gets angry at this post is ridiculous..Yeah get mad at someone who points out the stupid shit 85% of people do.. Face the reality that your attention whoring is obvious and annoying… People crave celebrity and their FB is a way of gratifying their relentless urge to be noticed / feel popular or important.

  14. (A little request – you don’t need to post this as a comment.)

    You should write a Twitter version of this, and that list should definitely start with “NO adding location info to your tweets.” Twitter locations almost give EXACT address. I mean, it shows your location on Google Maps! How dangerous it is for YOU and people you hang with! At least Facebook places are only visible to Facebook members for most, Twitter is open to ALL internet users. Second should be about people (just like Sarah Palin!) who write 2 for ‘to’, 4 for ‘for’..etc I know I’d write about this if I had a blog.

  15. Question: If as stated at the end of your diatribe your goal is to ” be more liked by your Facebook friends” doesn’t that make you a narcissist? And should you really insult them for their facebook habits if that is your goal?
    Also, call me crazy but it would seem someone spending this much time writing about, analyzing, attacking and actually posting it all on facebook might himself be “facebook addicted”.
    Which is worse the random mumblings of people on facebook or a person who is so self important he has taken it upon himself to regulate and categorize said mumblings? You might consider that all those mumblings are just other people’s commentaries on their own lives like this blog is yours.
    Oh and it sounds like you really need to get laid. Facebook will seem WAY less important ; )

  16. Very funny. Gave me a laugh. But The Arbiter is such a hypocrite! Don’t post what you eat. That’s narcissistic. But, you can post self-serious poems and tweet on twitter about how your article is “going global”. Most people, when they update on Facebook, are doing it compulsively, especially the foods posts. This is a great example of calling the kettle black.

  17. BAHAHAHAH! “My growing meme on Twitter.” “It’s my ITALICS: job, to know people.”
    Holy fuck I can NOT stop laughing. Getting a little jealous of all your successful friends arbiter? Hm? Needing to use the ‘ol humble brag to garner attention?

    I started my own “meme.” Its called #EvenWhatYouThinkIsACleverlyDisguisedCallForAttentionFukenAintTuesday

  18. “Thabk you for spreading this so far and wide so quickly.” BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So the world can become a better place! Hey man…any idea what’s going on in Lybia? Or just at the local coffee bean?

  19. The people indicating that you shouldn’t post bikini (women) or shirtless (men) pics are probably mostly just fat people that get jealous and/or uncomfortable when they see someone in decent shape.

  20. Funny article, but the comments are even better. Lots of people unclear on what “narcissistic” means, but all too happy to scream it.

    “Look at me, I’m so clever, refuting his post with his own words!” Yah, that works best if you know what the words mean.

    Side note: I have posted pictures of food, but with good reason. Birthday dinner, food was SO MUCH FOOD. Posted because a lot of my FB friends are actually family or people I know for real, and they know I tend to exaggerate. Had to have photo proof of the mass quantities of food. Also, it was a good recommendation for the restaurant.

    Also, I noticed that @humblebrag tends to retweet a lot of famous people. I’m pretty sure that if you’re famous, and you’re talking about a meeting with another famous person, that’s just info, not bragging. It’d be like me saying mentioning the crazy dude on the bus who talks to himself. It’s a common, everyday thing.

    Oh, and umm. For the commenters. Dude never said people shouldn’t post bikini pics. He said they shouldn’t post them and then whine when people hit on them based on their pictures. Reading comprehension is an important part of literacy.

  21. Wow. Would you look at that? Someone who commented actually fully, completely got it. See that people? All it takes is some reading! Lunameow, you’re great.

  22. Angela Kilkenny has obviously not taken the time to peruse the site in its entirety. Angela, there a little tabs at the top of the page that will take you to various topics the Arbiter has written about; Politics, Media, Religion, Music, and… Ah… Pop Culture. Just in case you needed any more direction with what to think about.

    “so far and wide so quickly” refers to countries other than the United States of America. Contrary to popular American beliefs, other countries DO exist, where the people who live there seem way more capable of taking themselves far less seriously and actually “get” what the Arbiter has to say.

  23. Holy crap it just took me a year to scroll down to even look at all these comments. I’ll go ahead and guess most of the people who commented have done some of that stuff.

    There is always is an exception to the rule, but more often than not you won’t be that exception.

    I agree with most of the facebook rulebook, with the exception of posting pictures of food you made. Although, I haven’t done it yet…I would 😛

  24. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! THANK GOD!!! Can we add in there that if you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t spout your lovey dovey disgustingness all over each others walls multiple times a day… especially if you’re under 20 something!?

    I totally take pictures of my food though…. mostly for me to remember how awesome it was when I open Facebook later and go “mmmmmmmm sushi…..”

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